French’s International Copyrighted (in Englancii her Colonies, and 
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iCopy 1 


No. 334 


RETURN OF HI JINKS 


A ComecJy in Four Acts 


BY 

MARION SHORT 

Based upon a farce written by J. H. Rortz, and 
originally produced at Tufts College, Mass. 


Oopyriffht. 1016, By SAMUEL FKENCH 


ALT. RIGHTS RESERVED. 

CALJTION.--Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that “The 
Return of Hi Jinks,” being fully protected under the copyright laws 
of the United States, is subject to royality, and anyone presenting the 
play without the consent of Samuel French will be liable to the 
penalties by law provided. Application for the right to produce 
“ The Return of Hi jinks” must be made to Samuel French, 28-30 
West 38th Street, New York. 


PRICE 25 CENTS 


New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WI'TST 38tii STREET 


London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 
26 Southampton Street 
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THE RETURN OF HI JINKS 


A Comedy in Four Acts 


By 

MARION SHORT 

jt 

Based upon a farce written by J. H. Rortz, and 
originally produced at Tufts College, Mass. 


Copyright, lOlfi, by SAMUEL FRENCH 


ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ‘ 

CAUTION.--Amateurs and Professionals are hereby warned that “The 
Return of Hi Jinks,” beinf? fully protected under the copyright laws 
of the United States, is subject to royality, and anyone presenting the 
play without the consent of Samuel French will be liable to the 
penalties by law provided. Application for the right to produce 
“ The Return of Hi Jinks” must be made to Samuel French, 28-30 
West 38th Street, New York. 


NEW YORK 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38TH STREET 


] _ LONDON 

^SAMUEL FRENCH. Ltd. 

f ' 

26 SOUTHAMPTTON STOEET 

STRAND 










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OCT 26 1916 

©CI.D 4527C 

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A 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


BY MARION SHORT. 

Based upon a farce written by J. H. Rortz, and 
originally produced at Tufts College. 


CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Hiram Poynter Jinks. .A junior in Hoosic College 
Obadiah Jinks. .Hiram's father; proprietor of a 

feed-store in Wurtsboro 

Solomen Bloomer . A Moving Picture director 

Thomas Hodge. .A senior in Hoosic College, and 
manager of the Hoosic Glee Club 
Henry Shorter. ,A Hoosic freshman; member of 

the Hoosic Glee Club 
George Davis. ,A Hoosic freshman; member of the 

Hoosic Glee Club 
Mimi Mayflower. . .A young Moving Picture star 
Bedelia Norris. .Mimi's particular friend; a mem¬ 
ber of the Wurtsboro Literary Research Club 

Thyrza Judson . President of the Wurtsboro 

Literary Research Club 

Emily Snodgrass 
Minnie Graham 

Members of the Wurtsboro 
Lit. Research Club 
Mrs. Rogers. . Wife of editor of Wurtsboro Weekly 

Gazette 

Mrs. Bumpsky. .Janitress of Wurtsboro Town Hall 
Evangeline Slater. to Hiram Jinks; 

a member of the Wurtsboro Literary Research 
Club 








THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


DESCRIPTION OF CHARACTERS. 

Hiram Poynter Jinks is a young chap who believes 
in appropriating the best of everything that 
comes his way, and doing it before the other 
fellow has a chance. He is magnetic, irrepres¬ 
sible and aggressive; a Willie Collier sort of 
personality. He is well-groomed always, and ex¬ 
ceedingly dandified in his manner of dress. 

Obadiah Jinks, in sharp contrast to his son Hiram, 
wears ready-made suit, turned down collar, and 
a beard of ancient ampleness and cut. He has 
the local pride of the inbred small-town type, 
and is given to boasting in a genial, inoffensive 
way. His countenance is ruddy, and there is a 
prominent bald spot on his head. 

SoLOMEN Bloomer is about thirty years of age, long, 
lean, and of the temperamentally artistic type. 
His mapner is that of a man engrossed by his 
work to such an extent that he is fairly swamped 
in it. A loose lock of hair strays over his fore¬ 
head through which he thrusts his fingers fre¬ 
quently. He carries a soft hat, wears soft collar 
and flowing tie, and his clothing is rather pro¬ 
nounced in color. 

Thomas Hodge is heavily built and dresses unosten¬ 
tatiously. He is slower spoken than Jinks; not 
so alert and quick to grasp the main chance and 
this puts him at a disadvantage in the almost 
constant conflict between the two. When mirth¬ 
ful he is inclined to be boisterous. 






THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 5 

Henry Shorter is a typical college-boy, rather short 
and stout. 

George Davis is tall and slim, lose-jointed in his 
movements, nonchalant in manner. 

Mimi Mayflower is a pretty and modishly gowned 
young woman with a wealth of beautiful hair, 
worn after the fashion of the latest stars in 
screendom. She is possessed of much feminine 
charm of manner. 

Bedelia Norris is the “ flopsy ” type of girl. She 
strives for the extreme of fashion in hats and 
gowns and does not quite succeed in achieving 
it. The effect she does arrive at is somewhat 
bizarre. She is emotional and talkative, but 
loyal to her friends and attractive in spite of her 
oddities. ^ 

Thyrza Judson is a prim girl of the school-teacher 
type. She wears glasses and is pleasantly 
dignified in manner. Her hat and gown are in 
accord with her general personality. 

Emily Snodgrass is a typical small-town girl, sweet 
and good-natured. She is rather countrified in 
dress. 

Minnie Graham, the youngest club-member, is a 
natural hero-worshiper, and indulges in much 
clasping of hands and uprolling of eyes when 
engaged in her favorite pastime. Her gown and 
hat are very youthful in style, and suggest the 
home-made variety. 

Mrs. Rogers, stately, her hair slightly tinged with 
gray, is sweet-faced and magnetic, and dresses 
in the best of taste. 

Mrs. Bumpsky, eccentric-comedy type, is frowsy 
and unkempt. She is fond of hearing herself 
talk, and takes more interest in the affairs of 
others than in her own. She wears slatternly 
dress and shoes, her sleeves rolled above the el¬ 
bows. 

Evangeline Slater wears her hair straight back 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


from her forehead and cultivates a very clear- 
cut and somewhat affected manner of speech. 
She is exacting, sarcastic, and betrays an .ex¬ 
travagant fondness for culture and cultured 
folk. Gown, hat, and arrangement of hair ex¬ 
press the extreme of neatness. 


THE RETURH OF HI JINKS 


ACT L 

Scene: —Living room of the Iota Tau Chapter¬ 
house at Hoosic College, Hoosic, Pa. Door l. 
leads into main hallway. Door up r. forms an¬ 
other exit. There is a curtained entrance at c. 

The room is decorated ta give a college 
flavor, hut sparingly—a few banners and a 
fraternity seal over mantelpiece at r. There 
are several easy-chairs upholstered in leather. 
A card-table occupies the center of the room. 
On one big chair, near door c., hats and coats 
are piled in confusion. Large scrap-basket near 
mantelpiece. 

Time :—Saturday noon, shortly before the Christmas 
vacation at Hoosic. 

DISCOVERED :— George Davis and Henry 
Shorter sprawling in easy-chairs, each with a 
book in hand. 

George. Never felt less like grinding for a Greek 
exam in my life. (Rises, crosses to table and slams 
down book) Fve got to smoke. (Takes cigar from 
his pocket, helps himself to a match from box on 
table and lights up) 

Henry. (His attention divided between book 
and George) Some party that was last night, I 
gather ? 

George. It sure was. Why didn’t you show up ? 



8 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Henry. Couldn’t get away from the Governor. 
He stopped off here between trains and kept me busy 
showing him the college-library, lecture-room, and 
other ghastly exhibits. Jinksie was there, I suppose ? 

George. As usual. You couldn’t bribe him to 
miss anything. {Puffs at cigar) You’ve seen Jink¬ 
sie with his white lights regalia on, haven’t you? 

Henry. Sure. Did he wear his pink waistcoat? 

George. Not this time. It was the pearl one with 
the up-and-down stripes. The rest of the oufit was 
all there, though. Carnation in his button-hole, tie 
a little bit pink, and a double reef in his pompadour. 

Henry. He honored me by borrowing a dress- 
shirt for the occasion. He didn’t like the first one 
he tried, so he threw it on the floor and stepped on it. 

George. Just like his copper-plated nerve! 

Henry. {Tom Hodge enters door l.) Then he 
came around this morning and told me he knew of 
a place where they sold shirts that wouldn’t bulge. 
I tried to hand him a solar-plexus, but he slid out 
through the key-hole. 

Hodge. {Advances to c.) Talking about Jinksie? 

Henry. Good guess! 

Hodge. Oh, I’ve got all sorts of kind feelings for 
him! I wish his pinch collar would choke him to 
death. 

George. {With a grin) I guess your grouch is 
a hangover from last night, Hodge. 

Hodge. You saw her. Do you wonder? 

George. What made you let Jinksie wish the fe¬ 
male booby prize on you like that? 

Hodge. He rushed me up to her at the dormitory 
and introduced us just before the party, and when 
she once fastened on, I couldn’t get away. 

Henry. Who was she, anyhow ? 

George. A girl from Wurtsboro, visiting one of 
the Freshmen. All gauded up she was. You know 
the kind. Waist line lost somewhere near her shoul- 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 9 

ders, lace fripperies all over, orange blossoms in 
her hair, rings on her fingers, etc. 

Hodge. {With deep gloom) Nine parts excite¬ 
ment, and the rest giggle^ About every fifteen 
minutes she’d ask me to explain football to her. 
Then I’d grab her arm and say: “ Won’t you have 
some punch ? ” She drank eight glasses by actual 
count, then gave a gasp, rose to the surface, and said 
she’d like to hear some more about football. If 
Jinksie had shov/ed up just about then— {Ad^kes 
gesture indicating the punishment he would have 
meted out to the culprit) 

George. Notice his new socks? 

Hodge. Oh, yes, I noticed them. There’s a ray 
of hope there. If he reefs his pants up another p(‘g, 
maybe the police will run him in for indecent ex¬ 
posure. Mail in? {Shuffles through a pile of let¬ 
ters on table) 

Henry. A bunch of valentines from the faculty. 

Hodge. {Completing the list) Never touched 
me! {Picks up a newspaper) Here’s that Wurts- 
boro Weekly Gazette for H. P. Jinks. 

Henry. {Amused) Plow the home influences do 
tag around after Jinksie ! 

George. Most anything would follow Jinksie just 
out of curiosity. Say, look at that Grand Stand 
notice of our Glee Club in fire-proof letters there 
on the front page. From the way it reads, Jinksie 
sent it in. 

Hodge. He’s the greatest little self-advertiser in 
Hoosic, afll right. Hah, here it is ! (Reads) “ The 
coming tour of the Hoosic Glee Club is especially 
interesting to the residents of Wurtsboro, because 
its reader is Mr. Hiram Poynter Jinks, son of Mr. 
and ]\Irs. Obadiah Jinks of this city. He has been 
winning scholarly honors for himself-” 

George. {Interrupts, with a laugh) Collarly 
honors, it means. Jinksie has had to move his e:irs 
up two inches to accommodate his latest in celluloids. 



10 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Hodge. {His eyes still follozving the notice) 
And a lot more piffle in which Jinksie is the. kite and 
the Glee Club the tail. He makes me sick. 

George. Did you hear about his encounter with 
the new chef at the Frat house this morning? 

Hodge. {Inquiringly) No. 

George. When he came down to breakfast he told 
the chef to bring him a couple of eggs, dress-maker 
style. Said they must be shirred, then ruffled and 
tucked. He had the poor foreign geezer trying to 
guess out a recipe for as much as five minutes, and 
finally told him he’d take lamb chops since he 
couldn’t grasp shirred eggs. 

Hodge. It would serve him right if the chef 
shirred an egg at him sometime, and put a ptomaine 
in it. {He twists the newspaper into a zvad) I’m 
going to tie his Gazette to the dog. 

Henry. We tried that last time, and Jinksie 
caught him before he’d gone a yard. 

Hodge. Hey? Then here she goes under this 
junk. {Buries the Gazette in waste-paper basket) 
Now, I’ll go look him up. When I find him. I’ll nip 
him by the neck, take him down to the lake, row out 
to a deep place and drop him in. 

George. {With appreciative grin) There’s a 
lot of good points to that, all right. 

Henry. Only you’ll be embarassed with the rush 
of congratulations. 

Hodge. I’ll hire a secretary to answer them. 
{Starts tozvard r. and pauses as he reaches the^oor) 
I may be gone a long time, for I must stick around 
the lake until I make sure no one rescues him. 
{Exits R.) 

(Henry and George plunge into their respective 
hooks again.) 

Jinks. {Opens door l. ; sticks his head in, cau¬ 
tiously) Good-morning, this evening. {Remains 


II 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

the other side of door, peerh^g aroilnd the room ap¬ 
prehensively) 

George. ’Smatter, Jinksie? Haven’t you paid 
your board-bill? 

Jinks. {Enters, trips on rug, goes hack and care¬ 
fully arranges it with his foot) ’Lo, Hen! ’Lo, 
Gawge! Has old Hodge been around'to-day ? 

George. {Significantly) Has he? . 

Henry. Looking for you with spy-glasses. 

Jinks. {With assugnption of innocent surprise) 
What? Looking for me?. You say he was look- 

ing- 

Henry. vSure! {Jinks drops hat and handker¬ 
chief, and knocks a hook off the table, stumhling as 
he goes to pick them up, dropping hook a second 
time) What’s-the matter with the man from Wurts- 
boru ? 

Jinks. {Fans himself nonchalantly -with hat) 
I’m sorry I missed him, that’s all. 

George. He’s looking for you down by the lake. 

Jinks. The lake? 

Henry. Wants to show you something about 
under-water swimming. 

Jinks. So sorry I missed him ! 

George. Never saw two people so crazy to meet 
each other, did you. Hen ? 

Jinks. {Begins to pazv among articles on table) 
Has anybody seen my Wurtsboro Weekly Gazette? 

Henry. Wurtsboro ! ” Makes me think of 
sausage. 

Jinks. You tried tying it to a sausage-plant last 
time. Think up something new. ( Whistles for dog) 

George. Seems to me I remember there was 
something on the front page about your father. 
Mayor Jinks. 

Jinks. My father isn’t the mayor. 

'Henry. You surprise me 1 

Jinks. When I consent to run, that will be the 
first Jinks ever elected mayor of Wurtsboro. Say, 



12 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


fellows, have a heart! My Gazette is due to-day. 
Where is it? 

Henry. Any item of news that interests you 
particularly ? 

Jinks. There will be if it mehtions my little sister 
Lily’s recitations at the Baptist Churclf Social. 

George. I remember the paragraph perfectly. 
It said: “ Miss Lily Jinks pleased all by her spark¬ 
ling rendition of Kipling’s Thanatopsis.” 

Jinks. Eh, what’s that? 

George. Kipling’s Thanatopsis. Well, what’s 
wrong with it ? 

Jinks. {With deep scorn) Kipling never wrote 
Thanatopsis. 

George. Then who did ? 

Jinks. Do you mean to say that you actually 
passed the entrance exams for Hoosic without know¬ 
ing that Bernard Shaw wrote Thanatopsis ? 

Henry. Somehow I always imagined that Bryant 
wrote it. 

Jinks. Then you’re worse than George. Even he 
knew that Bryant didn’t write it. Bryant is the man 
that runs for peace and the presidency. And my 
little sister never recited Thanatopsis anyhow. 

George. What? You don’t believe your own 
Wurtsboro Gazette ? 

Henry. Under the circumstances, how dare you 
affirm your little sister didn’t recite it? 

Jinks. Because I never had-a little sister. You 
ginks give me a pain. {Genially, with a zvide smile) 
Say, George, didn’t we have a hip-hurrah time at 
that Seminary dance last night? Did you see what 
I had? Wasn’t she a- 

George. {Interrupts him, enviously) She sure 
was! {Turns to Henry) Why is it, Henry, that 
real men always pick cauliflowers in the garden of 
love, while the left-overs of the male species gather 
the pansies? 



THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 13 

Jinks. {Butting in, affably) You always were 
a pansy plucker, George. 

George. {Indignantly) I say- 

Jinks. By the way, did Hodge say anything 
about the pleasant time he had last evening ? 

{Door R. opens tempestuously and Hodge jumps in.) 

( 

. Hodge. At last! {Springs for Jinks, but Henry 
comes between and manages to hold him back. J^inks 
tries to escape off l. at sight of Hodge, but George 
goes after him and forcibly faces him around to look 
in Hodge's direction. Hodge struggles toward 
Jinks, and Jinks struggles to get away) 

George. Did you want Jinksie, Tom? He’s been 
looking for you. 

Hodge. Let me at him ! 

George. Weren’t you looking for him, Jinksie? 

Jinks. Certainly I was, but— {As George 
forces him into a seat) not now. 

Henry. {To Hodge as he struggles to hold him 
back) Cut it out, Tom. 

Jinks. Make him be reasonable, or I won’t stay 
{Tries to rise, but is forced doiwn so hard by George 
his feet fly into the air) 

Henry. Arbitration is the best policy, Tom. 

Hodge. {Stops struggling) All right, Henry. 
You needn’t hold me. (Henry releases him and 
he drops info a chair. George releases Jinks and all 
four are seated) After all, I don’t want to do any¬ 
thing to him around here. It would muss up the 
place too much. 

Jinks. It was all your fault anyhow. 

Hodge. Eh? {Starts up, but is restrained by 
Henry’s warning gesture) 

Henry. Now, Tom! 

Hodge. {Settles back in chair) Oh, I’ll not hurt 
him, not just now. 



14 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Jinks. {In self-defense) You said you wanted 
to be introduced to the girl in the light hair with the 
dark sweater. Well, I introduced you to a girl with 
dark hair and a light sweater instead? What’s the 
difference ? A girl’s a girl, and a sweater’s a sweater! 
She was pleased to pieces with you, Hodge. 

Hodge. {With a groan) She liked me so well 
she haunts me still! 

Jinks. Bedelia’s a nice girl from my own home 
town visiting a friend at the Sem—an aAVfully nice 
girl! ' 

Hodge. {With suppressed rage) She is. Jinks, 
as you say, an awfully nice girl. Just the kind you 
fight to get away from. Real men are always get¬ 
ting ambushed by the wall-flowers. It’s the funny 
gooks and lollops that the cozy corner ornaments 
take up with. To see you throwing flipflaps around 
the girl you knew ! wanted—Say, Jinks, did you 
think I was blind or what? {Turns to Henry and 
George) Boys, you can’t imagine what I suffered, 
with that star gusher talking about football! 

Jinks. Well, you see, Hodge, I told her you were 
crazy about football, so she wouldn’t feel shy^ith 
a stranger. 

Hodge. You did? Great Scott! Say, fellows, I 
still think that lake idea was first class. 

Jinks. Changing the subject—I want my Wurts- 
boro Gazette. It must be some place it hasn’t been 
hidden before. {He stands in deep meditation for a 
moment, zvhile the other boys exchange winks, and 
then suddenly dives for the scrap-basket, throws the 
contents on the floor, picks out his Wurtsboro Ga¬ 
zette) Aha! So long, boys! Meet me at the 
Plaza for tea. {Carrying the Gazette, and picking 
up the tail of his coat, skirt-fashion, he dances off 

L.)' 

Hodge. He certainly needs bad medicine. 

Henry. Violence only makes him worse, though. 


15 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

You’ve got to think upx-something that will really 
deal with the situation. 

Hodge. {Thinking hard) The thing that would 
pierce Jinksie to the heart would be to make him ap¬ 
pear ridiculous, somehow, in his own home-town— 
get all Wurtsboro laughing at him. I’ve sent Glee 
Club notices and so forth to that hayseed Gazette by 
the dozen, and maybe I could trick them into print¬ 
ing a fake story about Jinksie. 

{Enter Mimi l.) 

Mimi. I beg pardon— {Boys rise hastily, with ex¬ 
clamations of surprise. Henry hastily puts things 
hack into the upturned scrap-basket, while George 
a/2c? Hodge involuntarily smooth their hair and ar¬ 
range collars) but. I’m looking for a Mr. Hiram 
Poynter Jinks. 

Omnes. {In surprise) Jinks? 

Hodge. {Advances, his manner one of extreme 
politeness) Well, you see. Miss—Miss— {Waits 
for her to furnish her name) 

Mimi. Oh, how absurd of me! I quite forgot 
you wouldn’t know who I am. Neither does Mr. 
Jinks, though I know a lot about him from Bedelia 
Norris—a girl from Wurtsboro where Mr. Jinks 
lives, you know. 

Hodge. Er—yes, it seems to me that I have met 
the lady. 

Mimi. There don’t any of you happen to be Mr. 
Jinks ? 

Hodge. No. We have a few things to be thankful 
for, even in Hoosic. Miss—ah—Miss— {Again 
zvaits invitingly for her to announce her name) 

Mimi. Mayflower. Miss Mimi Mayflower, lead¬ 
ing lady of the Paradise Multiple Reel Unsur¬ 
passed Screen Favorites Company, at present mak¬ 
ing pictures of a rural drama in the village of Hoo¬ 
sic. 


i6 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Hodge. Dee—lighted, Miss Mayflower. My 
name is Thomas Hodge, and allow me to present 
Mr. Shorter and Mr. Davies—all of Hoosic College. 
And may I escort you over to the main building? 
You see—no ladies are permitted to enter the sacred 
portals of the Iota Tau house. 

Mimi. Oh, perhaps it wasn’t quite proper for me 
to come without a chaperone; but—I can’t leave 
now, for I left word at the hotel where I had gone, 
and our director will follow me over here. 

Hodge. Say no more about it, and do have a seat. 
(Mimi accepts a seat) 

Mimi. No one stopped me out in the hall, and the 
dog even smiled at me, so I guess I might as well 
wait here as anywhere. {Air of a spoiled darling) 
Well, is no one going to offer to find Mr. Jinks for 
me and bring him here ? 

Hodge. {Clears his throat) Unfortunately, the 
last? we heard from Jinksie he was reported among 
the lost. 

Henry. But if you care to leave any mesasge for 
him-- 

George. We’ll be, certain not to deliver it. 

Hodge. {Draws chair near to hers) But if there 
is any other errand, command me. 

Mimi. You’re very kind, but I did so want to 
interview Mr. Jinks. 

Henry. {Aside to George) Isn’t she a peach? 

Mimi. {To Hodge) We Paradise players are 
in an awful pickle. 

George. {Aside to Henry) Pickled Peach. 

Hodge. {Leans forward, interestedly) How’s 
that ? 

Mimi. Why, you see the young actor, who was en¬ 
gaged to take the part of Eddie, the fireman, in our 
spectacular fire scene, got a telegram yesterday from 
his sweetheart in Milwaukee saying that she was go¬ 
ing to give a birthday party, and he said this obliged 
him to jump his contract and go right back there 



THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 17 

to give her a wrist-watch, personally conducted. 
Nothing could hold him; and Bedelia, whom I ran 
into accidentally this morning, suggested that as this 
was a holiday Mr. Jinks might be induced to sub¬ 
stitute. She said he was so good looking he ought 
to make a real good fireman. Of course if the fire¬ 
man who saves your life isn’t good looking, nobody 
cares whether you are saved or not, and it hurts the 
picture. So if Mr. Jinks has any talent for acting at 
all, Mr. Bloomer will pay well for his services. 

Hodge. {With mock regret) Now, boys, with 
such a wonderful Jinksonian opportunity coming 
Jinksie’s way, isn’t it too bad he’s too shy and awk¬ 
ward to take advantage of it even if he weren’t 
spending the day out of town? 

Mimi. Why, is he so shy? Bedelia didn’t speak 
of him that way at all. 

Hodge. He’d run for cover at the very idea of 
acting in a play. Mortally afaid of the limelight, 
Jinksie is. (Winks surreptitiously at Henry) 

Henry. And girls render him simply speechless! 

Hodge. No talent for acting at all, and wouldn’t 
consider substituting for a moment. 

Mimi. But if we could only manage to send for 
him, somehow, there’s such A very little real acting to 
do I shouldn’t think he would mind. All that is 
required of him is that in rescuing me from a fire 
he carries me from danger in his arms- 

Henry. (Eagerly) Maybe some of us other 
boys could help out on that. 

Hodge. (Gently elbows Henry aside) I’m a real 
Movie fan. It would be an inspiration to act in the 
same company with you. Miss Mayflower, and as 
long as Jinksie is so utterly lacking in courage- 

&ORGE. (Gently manages to retire Hodge for 
the moment) Any of us stand ready to help out in 
his place. 

Mimi. (As the three stand lined up before her) 
How nice of you all! 




i8 . THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Oaines. {Eager to be chosen) Well? 

Mimi. But I can’t get my mind off Mr. Jinks. 
{Boys turn away, disappointedly) And besides I 
couldn’t make any other selection without consulting 
Mr. Bloomer; and who knows but what the regular 
actor he telegraphed for has arrived? 

Bloomer. {Knocks and straightzvay admits him¬ 
self door L.) Ah, there you are, Miss Mayflower! 

Mimi. Yes, I have a little way of always being 
where I am. Gentlemen, our Multiple director— 
Mr. Bloomer. 

Henry. Glad to know you, Mr. Bloomer. {Ad- 
vances, offering hand) 

Bloomer. {Shakes hands with him, then George, 
then Hodge) Which one is Mr. Jinks? {As he 
retams hand of Hodge) Are you Mr. Jinks? 

Hodge. {Snatches hand away) Not guilty! 

Mimi. Unfortunately Mr, Jinks has gone out into 
the country and can’t be found, Mr. Bloomer, and 
anyhow he has no courage, and can’t act, and is 
dreadfully shy, and girls terrify him, and he wouldn’t 
consider substituting for one moment. 

Bloomer. {Disappointedly) Is that so? Sorry 
we’ve wasted time looking him up. {Produces note¬ 
book and pencil) Cancelled, one—Jinks. {Scratches 
out a name) Come, Miss Mayflower, I’ll send an¬ 
other telegram that we’re short of actors. 

Henry. {Detaining him) But I say—wouldn’t 
I do? 

Bloomer. {Gives him sharp look) Too short. 

George. What’s the matter with me ? 

Bloomer. Too long. 

Hodge. Wouldn’t I do? 

Bloomer. At a pinch. 

Hodge. Good! 

Bloomer. Maybe so, maybe not. Our salary for 
substitutes- 

Hodge. It isn’t the salary I’m after, it’s the lady 



THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 19 

— {Corrects himself hastily) I n'lean—the experi¬ 
ence. 

Bloomer. You’ve seen our form of contract? 
{Feels in his pocket after a paper) 

Hodge. Form immaterial. You see. I’ve been 
thinking I’d like some training in the Movies for 
quite a while—oh, as much as the last fifteen min¬ 
utes, perhaps. 

Bloomer. Very well, then, I- 

Jinks, fHeard off r.) Hey, Sport! 

Hodge. {In consternation) Great Scott! 

Jinks. Hey, Sport, come here, you old Sopho¬ 
more ! 

Mimi. Oh, what a jolly voice! Who is that? 

Hodge. Oh, he’s the—why, he’s the janitor. 

Henry. The kind of employe guaranteed to turn 
up at the wrong moment. 

Hodge. Boys, go out there and stop him from— 
from bringing his broom and dustpan in here. 
Savez? If he once got his head inside that door, all 
Hoosic couldn’t hold him. 

Henry. We’ll court martial him at sight, Tom. 

George. But if the prisoner escapes in spite of 
us—good-night! (Henry and George scurry off 

R.) 

Hodge. {Turns, facing Mimi and Bloomer) 
Well, it’s all settled then? 

Mimi. {Her eye on door r. through which the 
boys have disappeared) What was all the excite¬ 
ment? What made them act so funny? 

Hodge. The janitor. He makes everybody act 
funny. Has a distracting personality, so to speak. 
So I’m accepted for the part of Eddie, the fireman, 
am I? 

Bloomer. Eddie has to carry IMiss Mayflower 
down a ladder. Are you strong enough to undertake 
a feat of strength like that? 

Hodge. Strong as an ox! {Looks uneasily over 
his shoulder toward door r.) Is it a go? 



20 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Bloomer. You’re not exactly the type I had in 
mind, but beggars must not be choosers. 

Hodge. Oh, I’ll make good. Thank you very 
much! 

Bedelia. {Bounces in at door l. left open by 
Bloomer) Oh, Mimi! Why, I never dreamed of 
your coming to the Iota Tau rooms to look dor Hi¬ 
ram Jinks, but as soon as I heard it, I followed you 
right over. Girls aren’t allowed here at all, you 
know. 

Mimi. But I think it’s rather fascinating to be 
where one isn’t allowed. Oh, Mr. Hodge, you said 
you’d met Miss Norris, I believe? 

Hodge. Er —yes. 

Bedelia. {Offers hand, and speaks enthusias¬ 
tically) Oh, you were facing the other way and I 
didn’t realize it was you! Didn’t we have a lovely 
conversation at the dance? When Hiram Jinks 
said you were perfectly happy if you were talking 
about football—it made it all so easy. Let me see— 
there was just another question or two I thought 
afterwards I might have asked you— {Pauses, medi¬ 
tatively. Hodge clears his throat and hacks azvay 
uneasily) But I’ve forgotten now what they were. 

Hodge. {Aside) Thank heaven! 

Bedelia. Wasn’t it lucky that I just happened 
to run across Mimi this morning? We went to the 
same school when we were little tots, but now I see 
her so seldon! {Turns to Mimi) Isn’t it too bad, 
Mimi, that when I do meet you it’s just time for me 
to go back to Wurtsboro? 

Mimi. Oh, but you must stay over until that last 
train out. 

Bedelia. It’s an awful temptation, because Mr. 
Bloomer said I could see you act one scene at the 
studio if I did. 

Bloomer. Don’t know now, though, whether 
there’ll be any acting to-day. Your Mr. Jinks you 


21 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

recommended has caused us to waste a lot of time 
for nothing. 

Bedelia. {Surprised) Oh, couldn’t you ge!t 
him? 

Jinks. {Outside; whistles.) Hey, Sport, be a 
sport! 

Mimi. That janitor again! 

Bedelia. {Wonders that anyone would call Jinks 
“ janitor '*) Janitor ? 

Hodge. Excuse me a minute —{Starts to exit 
door R. to head off Jinks, Jinks hacks in before 
he gets there) 

Jinks. Be gentlemanly and come on in. Sport! 
You don’t hate to go to college any worse than I 
do. {Holds leash of invisible dog outside) 

Mimi. {To Bedelia) What an attractive looking 
jaintor! 

Bedelia. Janitor ? He ? 

Jinks. {Echoing BEDmA a's inflection) Janitor? 
Me? {Let's go of leash which disappears as if dog 
had made a hasty escape with it) 

Jinks. Not yet, but any American boy can aspire 
to be a janitor in time. Look at George Washington 
and Henry Clay! What an unexpected pleasure— 
to see you at Iota Tau, Bedelia! 

Bedelia. {Laughingly) Oh, if a few feminine 
petticoats do brush the dust off your furniture, it 
won’t hurt your old Chapter-house any, I guess. 
Miss Mayflower and Mr. Bloomer; allow me to in¬ 
troduce Mr. Hiram Poynter Jinks, the one I rec¬ 
ommended as a substitute. 

Mimi. {Offers hand) Mr. Jinks! 

Jinks. {Tremendously interested) Not Miss 
Mimi Mayflower, the latest rage in screendom ? 

, ' Bloomer. {Importantly) The same. 

Mimi. Isn’t this is the Mr. Jinks I was asking 
you about, Mr. Hodge ? 

Hodge. {Confused) Er—^yes—I rather think it 


22 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

is. You were in a hurry, I believe, Mr. Bloomer? 
Shan’t we be moving on ? 

Mimi. (As Bloomer starts with Hodge toward 
door 'L.) Wait a moment, please. (To Jinks) I’m 
sorry you couldn’t oblige me by appearing as a sub¬ 
stitute just for one afternoon. 

Jinks. Who said I couldn’t? To oblige you. 
Miss Mayflower, I’d act as a substitute, institute, or 
any other kind of a toot—even a tutor at Hoosic— 
what more can I say ? 

Hodge. (Bitterly) That’s right! Butt in! 

Jinks. (Answers him) I thought when George 
and Henry showed such a sudden interest in my 
conversation on the outside, there must be some 
good reason why I should be on the inside instead. 
(Turns and hows low to Mimi) Command me, 
Miss Mayflower. 

Mimi. (Regards him dotibtfully) It’s too bad 
you’re so awfully shy. 

Jinks. (Stupidly amazed at the accusation) 
Huh? 

Mimi. And that you stand in terror of girls, and 
are a coward anyhow, and that you’d run for cover 
at the very idea of appearing in the limelight. 

Jinks. Would I run? ^ 

Mimi. As fact as possible. 

Jinks. Do,you see me raising any dust ? 

Hodge. (Cuts in, nervously) Mr. Bloomer, I 
believe you accepted me for the part of Eddie, the 
fireman, did you not ? 

Bloomer. All except the formality of signing the 
contract. 

Hodge. (Exidtantly) That lets you out, Jinksie. 

Jinks. Out of what? 

Hodge. Of appearing in a moving-picture; play¬ 
ing the part opposite Miss Mayflower. As Eddie," 
the fireman, I have the privilege of rescuing Miss 
Mayflower from a burning building, and carrying 
her out of danger in my arms. (Crosses to Mimi) 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 23 

Miss Mayflower, may I walk beside you to the stu¬ 
dio? 

Mimi. {Thrown off her balance for a moment) 
Why^why, I presume it is time to go. {Starts 
slowly toward door l. Hodge accompanying her) 

Jinks. {Frantic, as Hodge opens door for Mimi 
to pass out) Wait a minute, everybody, please! 
{Goes up to Hodge and draws him toward c. in 
spite of himself) Hodge, my dear old pill—I mean 
pal—I congratulate you upon becoming a Movie 
actor on such short notice 1 Especially in Miss May¬ 
flower’s company! You’re a lucky dog. I congrat¬ 
ulate you again! {He wrings hand of Hodge re¬ 
peatedly, Hodge writhing in discomfort) 

Hodge. {Nurses his fingers) Oh, I do put one 
over on you once in a while, friend Jinksie! 

Jinks. {Rushes over and grabs Bloomer by the 
hand) Mr. Bloomer, I congratulate you. You 
made no mistake in engaging Mr. Hodge for the 
part. He was great in our late college performance 
of Julius Caesar. 

Hodge. Thanks, Jinksie. 

Jinks. Don’t mention it. {Tries to grab Hodge 
by the hand again, but Hodge gets azvay) 

Bloomer. What part did he play ? 

Jinks. He played the forum. Everybody stepped 
on him. 

Hodge. {Enraged) Vydl, if I did only act as 
prompter, I was at least heard, while you didn’t 
have a chance to play even the torn place in Caesar’s 
toga—not even the rent the envious Casca made! 

Jinks. Well, if I didn’t play the rent, I pay it, 
Hodge. And from what I learn from your room¬ 
mate—but there, we won’t talk about it. And I 
assure you. Miss Mayflower, that Mr. Hodge will 
be very earnest and conscientious in all he does— 
especially if any love making is required. Ask any 
girl at the Sem. So if you are only brave enough to 


24 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

permit him to attempt to carry you down that ladder 
with his bad knee- 

Mimi. {Turns back at door, to great discomfiture 
0/Hodge) Bad knee? 

Bloomer. {Half way out of door, returns. 
Speaks with alarm) What’s that? Bad knee? 

Hodge. Bad—I say, Jinks, what the dickens- 

Bedelia. Oh, was it your knee that made you 
stop talking so early last night? I thought some¬ 
thing was the matter. 

Hodge. {To Bedelia) No, it wasn’t. {Furi¬ 
ously, ^0 Jinks) There’s nothing ails my knee. 

Jinks. {With ‘ pretended regret) I’m sorry I 
mentioned it, if you’re sensitive about it. {To 
Mimi, with great pretense of sincerity) If half 
way down the ladder he lets you fall, it won’t be 
his fault. He’s very earnest and conscientious, and 
in spite of his bum knee, he- 

Hodge. {Fairly foaming at the mouth) You 
take that back! 

Jinks. Very well. Then you’re not earnest and 
conscientious, if you’re going to get peeved over it. 

Bloomer. We’re losing valuable time here, and 
the company is assembled for rehearsal. Miss May¬ 
flower. 

Mimi. I know—but if half way down that ladder 
Mr. Hodge shoidd be compelled to drop me on ac¬ 
count of his lame knee- 

Hodge. But Mr. Bloomer realizes that I haven't 
any lame knee—that it’s all bunkum. 

Mimi. Well, I don’t know know what “ bunkum ” 
is, but if you have it in your knee, you might drop 
me just the same. 

Hodge. Now, Miss Mayflower, that’s unjust. I 
insist upon it that my knee- 

Jinks. Why keep insisting on your knee? This 
is no anatomy class. 

Hodge. {To Jinks) Look here! You can’t 






THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 25 

interfere with me like this. I demand that you take 
it back. 

Jinks. {Innocently) Take what back ? 

Hodge. What you said about my knee. 

Jinks. Your knee? 

Hodge. Yes, my knee. Take it back! 

Jinks. I don’t want your knee. I have two per¬ 
fectly good ones of my own. {Looks tozvard Mimi) 
And climbing ladders is one of my pastimes. 

Mimi. Oh, do you mean you think you might 
overcome your bashfulness after all? 

Jinks. Em willing to try. 

Hodge. Jinks, this isn’t fair! 

Mimi. {To Jinks) And do you really consent 
to play the part? You’re not joking? Mr. Hodge 
said you were out in the country, but that you 
wouldn’t think of such a thing even if you were 
here. 

Jinks. That’s Hodge’s idea of being fair. And 
as for the part of Eddie, the fireman, I feel I was 
just born for it. 

Mimi. Then you’re excused, Mr. Hodge. 

Bloomer. {Sorry for Hodge) Oh, we might 
need an extra fireman. Miss Mayflower, if Mr. 
Hodge doesn’t object to taking a very small part. 

Hodge. {Heatedly) I do object. No I don’t 
either. I’ll take it, just to prove to Miss Mayflower 
that there’s nojthing the matter with my knee! 

Mimi. I’m sure I hope there isn’t, Mr. Hodge. 

Bloomer. Well, well, last call for the dining-car 
—come along everybody! We’ve burned up a hun¬ 
dred dollars worth of time by this delay. {Exits l.) 

Jinks. {Gathers hat from chair and zvalks along 
beside Mimi, very chummily) Strange that I should 
meet you just after reading a glowing account of you 
in one of the Moving Picture magazines. Someday 
I hope to see a notice of you in the liveliest little 
paper in the U. S. A. 

Mimi. Thank you. Which one it that ? 


26 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Jinks. The Wurtsboro Gazette. {They zvalk to¬ 
ward door L.) Hodge can tell you all about it. He’s 
so crazy over it he tried to steal my copy of it and— 
{Still talking, exits with Mimi l. Hodge stands, fists 
clenched, looking after them) 

Bedelia. Don’t look so downcast, Mr. Hodge. 
I’ll walk over to the studio with you. I’m more in¬ 
terested in hearing about football than ever now, for 
I’m sure you must have been one of those three- 
quarter backs or something when you hurt your 
kn^e! 

Hodge. {Grinning sarcastically) How did you 
guess it? Ha, ha, ha! {They follow Mimi and 
Jinks off l. 

CURTAIN. 


ACT 11 . 

Time: —The same afternoon. 

Scene: —A parlor in the Hoosic Hotel. Conven¬ 
tional furnishings. Sofa l. Table and chairs 
at R. Pictures and ornaments ad lib. Doors 
R., L. a 7 id c., as in Act I. Mantelpiece r. Cur¬ 
tains of door c. are drawn, revealing hall back¬ 
ing. 

DISCOVERED: —Bedelia, in elaborate afternoon 
gown and hat, sittmg by Mimi on the sofa. 
Mimi’s hair is down, and she is dressed in 
picturesque tatters. 

Bedelia. Oh, I’m so glad I telegraphed Ma I 
wouldn’t Jje back in Wurtsboro until to-morrow! 
Seeing you act before a camera is so fascinating I 
just can’t tear myself away. I don’t see why such 



27 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

a life of excitement doesn’t kill you, Mimi! But 
then it’s such fun it’s worth dying for! I almost 
imagined it was a real fire Hi Jinks was plunging 
through to save your life, instead of just an imi¬ 
tation one. And oh, but you’re sweet in that lovely 
ragged gown 1 

jMimi. (Rises, zvalks to c. and turns around 
slozvly to exhibit the costume) You like it? I’m 
so glad 1 You see, I designed the torn places myself. 
I wanted to be certain the holes looked artistic. 
Naturally when one is rescued, one becomes terribly 
mussed up, and I’m nothing if not realistic. Did 
my hair hang gracefully over Mr. Jinks’s arm as he 
carried me down the ladder ? 

Bedelia. Just like an advertisement in a hair 
store! And wasn’t it thrilling when Hiram skipped 
a rung and nearly let you fall ? 

Mimi. Most too thrilling! I banged my crazy 
bone against the side of the ladder and almost for¬ 
got I was unconscious. I don’t know anything on 
earth as conscious as your crazy bone when you 
bang it. Didn’t Mr, Jinks look perfectly stunning in 
that fireman’s get-up? 

Bedelia. Yes, only he kept tickling his Adam’s 
apple, trying to arrange a four-in-hand that wasn’t 
there. He couldn’t seem to remember that it wasn’t 
there. Didn’t the idea of his carrying you down 
that ladder scare you? 

Mimi. Not at all. I really enjoyed it. He has 
such a comfortable way of putting his arm around 
a girl when he'rescues her! (Sighs unconsciously) 
I think he must have rescued others before he met 
me. 

Bedelia. Oh, no! He said this was his first ex¬ 
perience in Moving Pictures. 

Mimi. (Thoughtfully) Perhaps—in Moving 
Pictures. Well, anyhow, I felt so snug and safe in 
his arms, I shouldn’t have minded it at all if the lad¬ 
der had been a mile long. 


28 • THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Bedelia. Mercy, Mimi! You’re not falling in 
love with Hi Jinks, I hope? 

Mimi. What an absurd idea! 

Bedelia. I should say so. 

Mimi. {Indignantly) What’s absurd about it, 

I should like to know? Of course I’m not falling 
in love with him, but why shouldn’t I if I felt like 
it? 

Bedelia. Didn’t you tell me not half an hour ago 
that you were engaged to a stock-broker by the name 
of Nash? 

Mimi. (With a start) That’s so. I am. 
(Sighs) But he’s the hardest person to remember 
I know anything about. 

Bedelia. And Hiram Jinks has always been en¬ 
gaged to a girl by the name of Evangeline Slater in 
Wurtsboro. 

Mimi. I might have known it. There’s always 
an Evangeline somewhere in the background if one 
meets a good-looking boy. What kind of a girl is 
she, Bedelia? 

Bedelia. Well, she’s the kind of a girl nobody ^ 
can say a word against. 

Mimi. How awful! 

Bedelia. She’ll lead Hiram around by the nose 
for his own good all his life. 

Mimi. I don’t know her, but I dislike her exceed¬ 
ingly. Oh, dear me! I do hope I’ll be a success in 
this picture. If I am it will mean a five year con¬ 
tract at a great big salary for me; and if I get! it, and 
don’t have to fall back into being dependent on my 
step-mother any more, maybe it will give me courage 
to break off my engagement. 

Bedelia. Why, what has Mr. Nash done that you 
want to break with him ? 

Mimi. Absolutely nothing. He’s proper to the 
last degree in all he does and says and wears. He’s 
not a bit like that wild, crazy Hiram Jinks. Maybe ' 
it’s because I’m sort of wild and crazy myself that 


29 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

I like the Jinks kind better. It’s a case of birds of 
a feather, I suppose. Nash hasn’t any feathers—he’s 
bald! 

Bedelia But he has money to feather a nest, and 
Mama says those are the most important feathers of 
all, and that if a girl has stacks and stacks of pretty 
gowns and hats to think about, it helps her keep 
her mind off the man she’s married to. 

Bloomer. {Begins to speak off r., and enters 
still talkmg, followed by Hiram Jinks and Tom 
Hodge, both dressed as firemen, except that Jinks 
zvears a helmet while Hodge wears a cap) Come 
right in, boys. I’ve engaged this hotel parlor for the 
special use of the company while here. 

Mimi. {Advances, and speaks to Hodge and 
Jinks very graciously) You did splendidly, both of 
you. I’m sorry you can’t travel with the company 
right along. 

Jinks. If my Alma Mater didn’t have me hitchfed 
to her apron strings for the next year and a half. I’d 
make you prove your words. Miss Mayflower. 

Hodge. Was my comedy all right? 

Mimi. Fine! 

Hodge. {Sarcastically) You didn’t see that my 
lame knee interfered any, did you? 

Mimi. I never would have known there was any¬ 
thing the matter with it. 

Hodge. {Hastily) But there isn’t. 

Bedelia. Anyhow it’s no disgrace, Mr. Hodge. 

Hodge. For heaven’s sake. Miss Mayflower, you 
don’t still think my knee- 

Jinks. {Interrupting) That knee again! Al¬ 
ways back to his sore spot! 

Hodge. {Turns on him, fiercely) It’s not a sore 
spot. 

Jinks. Then why keep on talking about it? 
When do I have that next scene with you, Miss May¬ 
flower ? 



30 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Mimi. We’re having the hospital set put in 
place now. 

Bloomer. It ought to be ready in half an hour. 

Hodge. {To Bloomer) Anything more for me 
to do? 

Bloomer. I believe not, Mr. Hodge. Though 
you might hang around a bit if you care to after you 
see our treasurer. You can call on him any time 
now. 

Jinks. And don’t stop to tell him about your 
knee, Hodge. He’s a very busy man. 

Hodge. I’ll give you a few troubles of your own 
to think about before I’m through with you, friend 
Jinks. 

Mimi. (Offers Hodge her hand) Thank you so 
much for helping us out. 

Hodge. (Bows over her hand) It was a pleas¬ 

ure. 

Bloomer. We might see how they’re getting 
along with that hospital set. Miss Mayflower. 

Mimi. Yes, for I’ve a few suggestions to make. 
Come along Bedelia. Oh, would you care to come 
too, Mr. Jinks? 

Jinks. I should say so. Mr. Bloomer says I 
have some real acting to do in that hospital scene. 

Hodge. (As Bloomer, Bedelia, Mimi qhc? Jinks 
near door l.) Then heaven help the hospital scene! 

Jinks. Hodge, you’re getting peevish. It’s time 
you went home and nursed your knee. (Exits l., 
follozving Bloomer, Mimi and Bedelia, as Hodge 
stands frowning, staring after Jinks, Henry and 
George enter r.) 

Henry. Hello, Tom I We’ve been looking for 
you everywhere. Is it true that our Glee Club— 
(Hodge, still scowlhvg, turns toward him) But say 
—what’s the funerM? 

Hodge. Jinks, as usual. He’s not only actiUg in 
this picture play, but running the whole company and 
bossing Bloomer, the director, as well. I didn’t 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

know that the special comedy stunt they asked me to 
do was stfggested. by Jinks, or I wouldn’t have agreed 
to it. 

Henry. What comedy stunt ? 

Hodge. Why, after I’d nearly broken my back- 
to prove I could come down a ladder carrying a 
bundle that weighed as much as Miss Mayflower, it 
seems that Jinks suggested I might supply a touch 
of comedy by carrying down the fat woman of the 
company, after he had rescued the leading lady. 

Henry. I saw that fat v/oman out there in the 
corridor. She was so wide you had to jump over 
her head to pass her. 

George. You didn’t actually carry her down a 
ladder ? 

Hodge. I did. I felt like an imitation of Atlas. 
Just as we reached the foot of the ladder I stumbled. 
She fell on me and broke my wrist watch and two 
ribs. {Feels his side) Maybe three. I haven’t 
had time to count. With this added insult, do you 
wonder I yearn to get even with Jinksie ? 

George. Speaking of Jinksie reminds me of 
Wurtsboro, and speaking of Wurtsboro—Say, is it 
true that the Hoosic Glee Club is to sing there? 

Hodge. {With air of satisfaction) Yes, I 
landed the Wurtsboro date all right. 

George. What for ? It must be a rotten season. 

FIenry. Never mind, , George. It’s one place 
where they will stand for us, and no danger of a 
machine-gun loaded with eggs. 

Hodge. Wurtsboro is necessary to my scheme for 
revenge on Jinksie. 

George. Who’s hiring us? The Epworth Lea¬ 
gue, or the Y. W. C. A. ? 

Hodge. Pomona Grange Number 13606. We’re 
just a side attraction. 

Henry. Does that 13606 mean there are that 
many granges in the country? 

Hodge. No, that’s just part of the regalia. A 



$2 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

big number probably impresses the corn-fed neo¬ 
phyte terribly. They wrote me a letter long enough 
for a yearly report. Listen to this section of it: 
(Reads) 

“We note that you have a song on your pro¬ 
gram entitled: ‘ Drink to me only with thine 

eyes.’ We want you to understand that Wurtsboro 
is a hard and fast prohibition town, and we can’t 
have that song, and furthermore there isn’t going 
to be no drinking and carousing on the street. I’d 
also appreciate it if your singers patronize my drug¬ 
store for sody while in our midst. I also sell coca 
crawly. You can’t get no cheaper no where, and 
remember I done you a good turn with the commit¬ 
tee, or they’d have engaged that troupe of New 
Jersey Yodlers instead. 

Yours truly, 

Job Turnbull.” 

Now will you be good? 

Henry. I suppose Jinksie will be tickled silly 
when we appear in his own little village in the dale, 
where the mocking bird singeth of coca crawly. 

Hodge. Have you ever noticed how the right 
fellow always comes from the right place? Jinksie’s 
kind is never happy outside the alfalfa belt. The 
Jinkses are peculiar to the Wurtsboros. 

George. It’s like the little boy that just had to be 
named “ Clarence. ” 

Hodge. (Chanting joyously) Never mind! 
We’re going to Wurtsboro! I don’t ask you fellows 
to help. I’ll get Jinksie for myself. 

George. Get him—how ? 

Hodge. Mum’s the word, but a story for the 
Wurtsboro Gazette came to me while I was watching 
him in that Movie fire scene. Before we sing in his 
Rube town, I’m going to write him up as the heroic 
life saver in a real fire—make a lot of his being from 


33 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Wurtsboro, you know—so that when the home folks 
read it they’ll delegate themselves a committee of 
welcome to make a fuss over him at sight; and all 
that sort of thing. Of course when Jinksie comes 
face to face with the triumphal procession, he’ll have 
to own up there’s nothing to it, and that he was only 
a very bad actor in a Moving Picture fire. You can 
imagine how that will go down with Jinksie. 

George. (Dubiously) Say, but that’s dangerous, 
rather, Plodge! 

Hodge. Why ? 

George. Old man Jinks is religiously opposed to 
Moving Pictures. He’s apt to take Jinksie out of 
college and set him to digging up mushrooms for 
acting in one. 

Hodge. I can’t imagine a more fitting job for 
Jinksie than digging up mushrooms. Just wait until 
I get it written out! 

George. What’s the difference between golf links 
and a link of sausage ? Wurtsboro! 

Hodge. {Laughingly) Chase yourself! {Makes 
a pass at George zvho runs off r. 

Henry. He’s worse than Jinksie. (Hodge and 
Henry run off r., follozving George 

{Enter Mimi l. follozved by Jinks and Bedelia) 

Bedelia. Oh, Hiram, it just seems too bad that 
I can’t tell the Wurtsboro folks about your acting 
when I get back! 

Jinks. Don’t dally with the temptation. You 
know dad! 

Bedelia. I should say I did. He’s been circulat¬ 
ing a petition, lately, to forbid any Moving Picture, 
shows in the town-hall—and it’s about the only ex¬ 
citement there is in Wurtsboro these days. 

Jinks. Don’t talk about it, Bedie. I’m going to 
pieces rapidly as it is without being reminded of Dad. 
Miss Mayflower, when I think of that scene I’ve 



34 • THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

got to tackle next, when I don’t know any more 
about real acting than a brindle pup, Ed like to run 
up one side a hill, and roll down the other, and drop 
into a deep, deep ditch. 

Mimi. {With surprise) Why, Mr. Jinks, you’re 
not suffering from stage fright, I hope? 

Jinks. {Tragically) Suffering doesn’t express 
it. My young forehead perspires, my young bones 
feel like the bones of a total stranger, and my young 
hair is doing that fretful porcupine thing. If that is 
what is known as stage-fright—I’m it. I wouldn’t 
let Hodge and the other fellows catch on to it for 
a farm, but the fact is that under-side I really am 
the bashful Rube they said I was. My knees are 
playing castanets at this moment. 

Bedelia. You bashful, Hiram Poynter Jinks? It 
will take me three years to believe it. 

Mimi. {Reassuringly) And the worst is over. 
You don’t have to bring me down a ladder again. 

Jinks. That was athletics and easy. It wasn’t 
acting. When I think of that next scene where I 
have to make love to you— {Puts his hand to his 
heart, while his knees strike together) 

Mimi. I’m sorry making love to me impresses 
you as being so difficult. 

Jinks. It isn’t the making love so much as it is— 

Mimi. {Speaks in) The lady playing the op¬ 
posite part. Thank you. 

Jinks. {Plunged into confusion) I never said 
that. I said—that is I started to say—What did I 
start to say? Anyhow, that wasn’t it? {Remem¬ 
bers) Oh, yes—why, it’s the bellowing director, and 
the critical company, and the awful, inescapable eye 
of the camera that shake my nerve. I could make 
love to you privately without a tremor. 

Bedelia. Oh, Hiram’s had lots of practice in 
parlor love scenes! ^ 

Jinks. {Testily) Don’t victrola my home life 
to the whole world, Bedelia. 


35 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Bedelia. Well, I can’t understand why you 
should be so afraid of Mimi even if it is before a 
crowd. Oh, mercy, where did I drop my vanity- 
bag? It’s so becoming to this gown, and suppose 
some one should step on it! Back in a minute. I’ll 
look for it. (Runs off l.) 

Mimi. So you’re afraid of me! Am I so very 
terrible ? 

Jinks. Terrible enough that I’ve had to look at 
ni}^ watch every few minutes, ever since we met. 

Mimi. Your watch? Why? 

Ji>iKS. To get square with my conscience for for¬ 
getting the girl inside of it. 

Mimi. (As he opens watch and looks inside of it) 
Oh, if your conscience is adding anything to your 
stage fright, I can tell you something to put you 
quite at ease. I’m engaged and carry somebody’s 
picture too, here in my locket. So you see I’m just 
as harmless as you are. 

Jinks. Engaged? You engaged? I never sus¬ 
pected it for a moment. I—I don’t think it’s be¬ 
coming to you somehov/. 

Mimi. {Looks at him coqiiettishly) Don’t you? 

Jinks. Where’s that confounded watch? {Pro¬ 
duces it hastily and stares fixedly at the picture in¬ 
side. ) 

Mimi. {Opens locket at the end of her chain) 
Want to see the man in my locket ? 

Jinks. {Impulsively) No! (More politely) I 
mean, yes. Deeply interested, of course! (Mimi 
detaches locket from chain. Jinks extends zvatch 
toward Mimi) Want to see her? 

Mimi. (Passes locket to Jinks and receives his 
zvatch in return) I shall be delighted. 

Jinks. (Stares at face in locket. Chokes over 
attempt to he complimentary) Pleasant expression. 

Mimi. (Who has been looking intently at the 
picture in watch) Yes, isn’t she? (They exchange 


36 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

property again, each sighing unconsciously after 
doing so) 

Bedelia. {Bounds in l., swinging vanity-hag) 
Found it! One of the stage hands picked it up off 
the ground. Oh, thal; room in the hospital is so 
realistic it makes you quite ill to look at it! 

Jinks. {Drops hack into stage-fright) Fm ill 
without looking at it. 

Mimi. Suppose we run over that next scene, Mr. 
Jinks. Then you’ll feel more at ease in public. 

Jinks. {Sadly) Oh, thank you. Miss May¬ 
flower, but I shall never feel at ease again! 

Mimi. Now, when you make your entrance 
from R., you find me kneeling here by my sister’s 
bedside in the hospital. 

Bedelia. Oh, and won’t you preteffd I’m the 
bedside, I mean the hospital—sister, I mean! Just 
for this rehearsal? To act in the Movies for a minute 
would be such fun I 

Mimi. Well, then, you are my badly injured sis¬ 
ter, and that is the cot on which you are lying. {In¬ 
dicates sofa at L.) 

Bedelia. {Runs and sits on sofa, houncing up 
and down delightedly) Oh, what fun! 

Mimi. You don’t bounce after you are badly 
burned, Bedelia. Try to use your imagination. 

Bedelia. {Quiets down, suppressed) Oh, am I 
dead? {Stares inquiringly at Mimi, her mouth 
open) 

Mimi. You have that appearance, I must say. 

Bedelia. {Lies fiat on the sofa) Very well, then, 
maybe this suits you better. {Closes her eyes) 
Does it ? Do I look more like a dead one now ? 

Mimi. You can’t talk, Bedelia, you are unccyi- 
scious. 

Jinks". That doesn’t make any difference to Be¬ 
delia—she talks just the same. 

Mimi. {Stands at side of the prostrate Bedelia, 
explaining the scene to her very carefidly) When I 


37 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

plead with you to come to life, you slowly and pain¬ 
fully regain your senses, finally recognizing me. 
Then Eddie, the fireman,— {To Jinks, standing at 
R.) that’s you,—reverently removes his helmet. 

Jinks. (Shakily) Honest to John Brown’s body, 
I could almost wish this part on Hodge! 

Mimi. Nonsense! 

Jinks. I was born for home and the fireside. 

Mimi. (To Bedelia) Now I am kneeling at 
your side, (Kneels by Bedelia) not knowing or 
suspecting that Eddie the fireman is in the back¬ 
ground listening while I tell you how brave he is. 

Jinks. And what do I do with my hands and feet 
while you’re telling how brave I am ? 

Mimi. Forget you have any. ^ 

Jinks. I can’t. They hurt. 

Bedelia. (Keeping prostrate position on sofa, 
with her eyes closed, speaks faintly) Ouch! 

Mimi. Bedelia, remember that you are patheti¬ 
cally unconscious. 

Bedelia. How can I be with a pin jabbing my 
belt line. (Wriggles) There, I’ve joggled it so it 
quits. 

Mimi. (Rises) I’ll begin where I am admitted to 
the hospital ward. Of course no one can hear 
what anyone says in Moving Pictures, but Mr. 
Bloomer insists on bur speaking lines at rehearsals 
just the same. He says it helps our acting. (Runs 
across to door l. and goes outside, then slowly opens 
door, peering in anxiously, then enters. She tiptoes 
cautiously to Bedelia’s side, and as she gets a bet¬ 
ter view of her, puts hand to heart and staggers, al¬ 
most falling. Summons up her courage and ad¬ 
vances to Bedelia’s side again, puts hand in¬ 
quiringly on her cheek, feels to see if her heart is still 
beating, then kneels, kissing Bedelia’s hand. She 
acts the part with entire seriousness, making it as 
real as possible) Sister, little sister, don’t you know 
me ? Oh, sister, I never spoke to you before when 


38 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

you didn’t smile at me and answer! Try, try to 
speak to me! Open your dear eyes to show me 
you’re still alive and love me. You’re all I have left 
in the world! You can’t go away from me like this 
without one word of farewell! Don’t go away from 
me—I can’t bear it! Ah, surely it was not all in 
vain that midst flame and smoke and falling walls 
that brave fire laddie carried you out of danger’s 
way. (Jinks, trembling, draws in his breath with a 
nervous gasp, but Mimi continues tmheedingly) 
What’s this? {She leans over Bedelta eagerly) 
The flutter of an eyelash on your cheek ? {Pauses as 
if for reply. Bedelia speaks with set jaw) 

Bedelia. You didn’t tell me to flutter. 

Mimi. {Speaks in her natural manner) Bedelia, 
d6n’t interrupt like that! You spoil the illusion en¬ 
tirely. ^(JiNKS drazvs in his breath still louder than 
before, and Mimi shows patient surprise at his con¬ 
tinued nervousness) And what on earth ails you, 
Mr. Jinks ? 

Jinks. {Despairingly) What doesn't ail me, 
you mean. Frog in my swallow. Won’t go up or 
down. Better get to Eddie pretty soon if you want 
to see the poor boy alive. 

Mimi. You’ll be all right when you once get 
started. Oh, I don’t know that I explained to you 
that you are my former sweetheart who went away 
thinking falsely that I was in love with another! 
{Slight pause) Well, when I realize' that it is 
you who saved me and my sister from the fire, 
I embrace you out of gratitude, the old love 
awakens, and the scene fades out slowly with the 
lovers clasped in each other’s arms. {Turns back 
to Bedelia. As she does so. Jinks takes off 
watch, lays it on a chair, and covers it with 
his handkerchief) By that time you are conscious, 
Bedelia, and smile sweetly on our happiness. 
{Turns back to Jinks) Now, Mr. Jinks, please 
stand at extreme r. and don’t forget the cue on 


39 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

which you advance unseen. Your cue is: “My 
sister, you are alive; you know me! ” (Jinks goes 
to extreme r. and stands rigidly erect. Mimi kneels 
again by Bedelia) What’s that? The flutter of 
an eyelash on your cheek? Your heart—yes, I 
can feel it beating! {She stops acting, and begins 
to give practical directions to Bedelia) Now 
slowly raise your hand to your forehead; (Bedelia 
quickly claps hand to forehead zvith a loud smack) 
Rise dazedly on your elbow, open your eyes, and 
smile upon me faintly. (Bedelia lurches to her el- 
bozv, and, facing IMimi, mechanically stretches her 
jnouth, displaying full rozv of teeth) I asked you 
to smile, Bedelia, not prepare to have a tooth pulled. 
(Bedelia drazvs her lips into a narrozv, mincmg 
smile) There, that’s better! More wistful. {Rises, 
starts back dramatically, and begins acting again) 
My sister, you are alive! You know me! {Looks 
tozvard Jinks remindingly, but he still stands star¬ 
ing stupidly into space. She raises her voice and re¬ 
peats the cue zvith marked emphasis) My sister, 
you are alive! You know me! 

Bedelia. {Trying also to prompt Jinks) I’m 
her sister, and I’m alive, and I know her. There’s, 
nothing dead around here but Hiram. Jinks. 

Jinks. {Comes to himself zvith a start) Wh— 
what ? 

Mimi. Where on earth are you, Mr. Jinks ? 

Jinks. Hanged if I know. What’s the matter? 

Mimi. You didn’t take up your cue for advanc¬ 
ing unseen. 

Jinks. {In self defense) Well, I got the “ un¬ 
seen ” part of it all right, didn’t I? {Comes to c.) 
Better late than never. Here I am. 

Mimi. {Starts back in assumed amazement) 
Eddie—after all these years—you! {Speaks in nat¬ 
ural voice) And now you begin to question me. 

Jinks. About what? 

All mi. About the man you thought I was en- 


4 P 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


gaged to. You find that Fm not engaged, and that 
it was all a mistake. 

Jinks. {Forgetting that he is acting, and betray^ 
ing his personal interest in Miss Mayflower) I say, 
aren’t you engaged to him aiter all ? Then why have 
you his confounded picture in your locket? Now 
that I’m free to speak the truth, he’s the most un¬ 
pleasant looking old fat-head I ever saw; not worthy 
of a classy girl like you at all. I could see it at a 
glance! How did you ever come to say you’d have 
him in the first place? 

Mimi. But, Mr. Jinks, those aren’t proper lines 
for Eddie, the fireman. 

Jinks. {In consternation) Hang Eddie! I for¬ 
got all about him. 

Mimi. Well, anyhow, I realize at last that it is 
you and none other that has saved my sister, and 
fling my arms about you in gratitude! {She ad¬ 
vances toward Jinks. He puts out his arms and re¬ 
turns her embrace with fervor) 

Bedelia. {As they continue the embrace; rather 
disconsolately) And what do I do? What happens 
to me? 

Jinks. Don’t interrupt, Bedelia—this fades out 
slowly! 

Bloomer. {Enters i..) Rehearsing, eh ? 

Mimi and Jinks. {Start apart in some confus¬ 
ion) Er—yes! 

Bloomer. Hm! 

Bedelia. Wasn’t it realistic? I couldn’t realize 
they were acting at all! 

Mimi. Oh, Bedelia, how you do run on 1 

Bloomer. Set ready, and company waiting. 

Jinks. {As Bloomer, Mimi and Bedelia start 
for door l.) Where’s my watch? {Picks is up. 
Opens it, gives one mighty sigh and exits l. follow¬ 
ing the others) 

Hodge. {Enters r., followed by Henry and 
George) Sorry, but the old grouch won’t let you 


41 


''^THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

see them make the picture! I tackled him twice 
about it, but it was no good. Say, while I was wait¬ 
ing to get to the treasurer, I scribbled this off. How 
does it strike you? (Henry and George come to 
either side of him and look at the sheet of writing 
in his hand) For the Wurtsboro Weekly Gazette, 
previous to our concert there. 

George. {Reads part of the subject matter 
aloud) “ Mr. Hiram Poynter Jinks, a junior at 
Hoosic, and a reader of the Glee Club, covered him¬ 
self with glory last night-” 

Henry. {Interrupting) That’s too broad I 

Hodge. Nothing’s too broad for Wurtsboro. Go 
on, George. 

George. {Continues reading) “—with glory 
last night, when, at the risk of his own life, he saved 
from the flames a number of young Seminary girls 
imperilled by a fire which swept through the main 
dormitory of Bowling Green Academy, which stands 
near the Hoosic campus. Young Jinks risked his 
life again and again in dragging the screaming and 
hysterical girls to safety 1 ” 

FIenry. Oh, slippery elm 1 

Hodge. Wurtsboro will go crazy over her noble 
son, and Mr. Jinks, Mrs. Jinks, and all the little 
Jinkses will crow themselves hoarse. Listen. {Con¬ 
tinues reading zvhere George left off) “ When the 
fire was at its height, it was suddenly discovered that 
Miss Mimi Mayflower, the most beautiful girl in the 
Academy, was missing. Immediately the gallant 
youth dashed once more with intrepid fortitude into 
the fiery furnace-” 

George and Henry. Ha, ha, ha! {Slap Hodge 
on the back. He begins to laugh also, and all three 
roar together) 

Hodge. {Folds up his composition well pleased 
zvith himself) That’s as far as I’ve got, but the rest 
of 'it will hint at an ’ incipient love affair between 




42 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Jinks and the fair Mimi. That will probably queer 
him with his real girl. 

Henry. Has he got a real girl in Wurtsboro ? 

George. Sure. Don’t you remember, and that 
her name is Evangeline ? That’s why we made him 
recite “ The Forest Primeval ” and keep time with a 
rocking-horse when we initiated him. 

Hodge. (Fools with a camera he has brought in 
with him) Well, I’ve got to leave you fellows now. 
If I can just manage to get a snap-shot of Jinksie 
and the fair Mimi together- 

George. What’s the idea? (As Hodge crosses 
zvith camera to door l. ) 

Hodge. (Turns at door) We’re going to Wurts¬ 
boro, aren’t we ? (Exits l. ) 

Henry. (As he and George start for door ’r.) 
He’s bound to make trouble for Jinksie, I see that. 

George. Yes, only Jinksie has such a, confounded 
way of turning the tables on you, just when you 
think you’ve got him. (George and Henry exit 

R.) 

Mimi. (Enters c., followed &y Jinks) I don’t 
see where I could have left it. 

' Jinks. What color was your scarf. 

Mimi. (Finds and picks up a chiffon scarf from 
arm of sofa) This color. Here it is! (Picks it up 
and starts for l.) 

Jinks. Miss Mayflower! 

Mimi. (Pauses, rather consciously) Well? 

Jinks. I—I want to thank you for giving me an 
idea of that scene in advance. I—I’ll remember 
your kindness always. You’re going away to-mor¬ 
row, you know, and there’s no harm in telling you 
before we part that I feel as if I’d known you al¬ 
ways, is there? And that I like you, like you tre¬ 
mendously and- 

Mimi. (Fools with scarf, embarrassed) Oh, Mr. 
Jinks! 




THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 43 

Jinks. {TumitUiiously) Is there any harm? 
Is there ? Where ? Why ? 

Mimi. {Significantly) 'Will you kindly look at 
your watch and tell me what time it is, Mr. Jinks? 

Jinks. {Chilled, produces watch and speaks very 
solemnly) It’s half-past Evangeline! 

Mimi. {With equal solemnity) That’s just what 
I was thinking. 

Jinks. What time is is by your locket? 

Mimi. {Opens locket and looks at pictured face 
inside of it) Time to remember! {Sighs convid- 
sively, slowly goes toward l. gasing steadfastly at 
locket until exit, Jinks follozvs her to l. and off, 
gazing determinedly at the pictured face in his 
watch) 

CURTAIN. 


ACT III. 

Time: —Two weeks later. Early evening. 

Scene: —Room in town-hall, Wurtsboro. Table 
and chairs at r. Large vase on table. Two 
vases on mantelpiece. Chairs, and small stand 
containing receptacle for flowers at l. Door 
R. leads into supper-room. Doors c. and l. are 
outside entrances. Large placard on wall at 
back bearing the words: WELCOME 

HOME!” 

DISCOVERED:— Mrs. Bumpsky, with scrubbing 
outfit and dust-cloth. She is wiping off legs 
of table at r., and singing Annie Laurie with 
gusto but off the key. 

Evangeline. {Enters c. and regards Mrs. Bump- 



44 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

sky disapprovingly for a moment) Mrs. Bump- 
sky. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {On her knees, her head tinder 
the table) “ I’d lay me doon and de-e-e! ” 

Evangeline. {Advances into the room) Mrs. 
Bumpsky, I say! 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Stops her vocal efforts and 
straightens tip) Oh, Miss Slater! You most made 
me bite my tongue cornin’ in so sudden. Lookin’ 
for some one? 

Evangeline. {Rather ungraciously) Of course, 
else why am I here ? Haven’t the girls come yet, any 
of them? 

Mrs. Bumpsky. Not unless some of ’em sneaked 
by into the supper-room whilst I was lookin’ ’tother 
way. 

Evangeline. {Opens door r., looks off, then 
closes door and returns to c.) No one there but the 
pies and the lemons. {Impatiently taps foot on 
floor) Dear me! 

Mrs. Bumpsky. Now what on earth did I do 
with my chewin’-gum? Oh, here it is! {Dislodges 
piece of gum from tinder rim of table and pops it in 
her mouth) Makes me so mad when I lose it. 

Evangeline. {Shudders) Plea'se don’t chew 
your cud so audibly, Mrs. Bumpsky! I’m put out 
enough already. {Half to herself) Why should we 
Wurtsboro Literary Research girls call off our meet¬ 
ing and turn over our rooms to that Hoosic Glee 
Club, I’d like to know ? Oh, I’ve a good mind to tell 
Thyrza Judson what I think of her for suggesting 
it! 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Rises to her feet, zviping off her 
arms with her scrub-cloth) Well, I’m only the jani- 
tress of this building, and my opinion ain’t been 
asked, but I’ll say free of charge that if / was a lot 
of Wurtsboro young ladies, I’d a thousand times 
rather stand round gassin’ to ^ood lookin’ young 
men from out of town, than puttin’ in my time at a 



THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 45 

high-brow hen-party week after week discussin’ 
books and politics and other things the female mind 
never did understand nor never will. 

Evangeline. Evidently you haven’t a very high 
opinion of our sex and the female mind, Mrs. Bump- 
sky. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. Well, we can only judge by our¬ 
selves in this world, and my own personal-mind ain’t 
never done much for me. {Scrubs violently) 
What’s the matter with this gum, I wonder? All 
the snap’s gone^clean out of it. Mebbe it’s the 
weather. {Chezvs determinedly. Scrubs again) 

Evangeline. {Carelessly, as she seats herself by 
stand at l.) Your “personal mind” was bright 
enough to catch you a husband, I believe, even if you 
were careless about keeping him after he was caught. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Desisting from work to ex¬ 
plain) It wasn’t no female intellect that caught 
Bumpsky, let me tell you that. It was because I 
laughed at his bum jokes to keep from cry in’ at ’em 
instead; and because I wore a transformin’ hair¬ 
piece he s’ppsed was my own till we was married 
and he saw it hangin’ on the chandelier. 

Evangeline. You’re a primitive sort of creature, 
Mrs. Bumpsky, who belongs back in prehistoric 
times. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. Never heard of the place. I 
was born in Newtown, New Jersey, but I belong 
wherever you find my scrub-pail and mop a settin’. 
But if I was one of you Wurtsboro girls, and didn’t 
want to be an old maid. I’d drop my brains in the 
nearest ash-can and sew ruffles on my glad-rags in¬ 
stead. Ruffles, glad-rags and giggles is man’s idea 
of the female angel he’d lay him doon and dee for, 
I tell you! {Begins to hum Annie Laurie again as 
she shakes otit dust-rag) 

Evangeline. What extremely edifying senti¬ 
ments ! As a type of arrested development, you in¬ 
terest me greatly. 


46 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Flares up, indignantly) Never 
was arrested in my life, and don't thank no one for 
sayin’ so. 

Evangeline. {Laughs helplessly) Mercy, I 
didn’t mean anything against your character, Mrs. 
Bumpsky! 

Mrs. Bumpsky. If you didn’t, of course I’ll over¬ 
look it. I ain’t much on brains, but I’m strong on 
character! {Feels under the back of chair) My, I 
ran my hand against another wad of gum! Beats all 
how they turn up when you get the habit of stickin’ 
’em round. {Enter Emily and Thyrza, door L., 
their arms laden zvith flozvers) 

Thyrza. Oh, how do, Evangeline! We begged 
your mother to let us have these flowers. Want to 
help decorate ? 

Emily. (Evangeline lifts her chin scornfully 
and turns azvay her head) Mercy, what’s the mat¬ 
ter? 

Thyrza. Yes, what is the matter? You look like 
a thunder-cloud. 

Evangeline. Frankly, girls, I don’t see why our 
important Browning discussion should be called off 
just because those Hoosic boys happen to be coming 
to town. 

Emily. Why, Evangeline Slater! When you’re 
engaged to Hiram Jinks, I should think you’d be the 
very one who’d like to have his club drop in for re¬ 
freshments ! 

Thyrza. It was the least we could do to show our 
appreciation of Hiram. 

Evangeline. {Puzzled) But you were never so 
anxious before to show Hiram appreciation. I 
don’t understand. 

Emily. Surely you realize it’s on account of his 
heroism at that Hoosic fire? 

Evangeline. {Greatly surprised) What Hoosic 
fire? 

Thyrza. Good gracious, Evangeline! Why, 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 47 

Hiram’s thrilling bravery was the central feature 
in this week’s Gazette! 

Evangeline. {Rather ashamed of herself) I 
haven’t seen the Gazette—I confess it. I’ve been 
visiting Professor Parker’s aunt all week, and the 
Professor has been so busy showing me his collec¬ 
tion of dried botanical specimens that— {Abandons 
the subject and picks up a copy of the Gagette from 
table R.) Where is the account of the fire? What 
does it say ? 

Thyrza. {As Evangeline turns the paper over 
and exhibits the front page) It’s right before your 
eyes. Read it for yourself. 

Evangeline. {Impressed) Hiram’s name in big 
letters! And a picture of him when he wore 
bloomers, and a sailor collar, and his mouth open! 
Well, I’m glad he has done something at last to dis¬ 
tinguish himself! 

Emily. {Enthusiastically) Just think! Scores 
of girls were entrapped by the flames on that upper 
floor, and everyone of them was saved through 
Hiram’s efforts! 

Evangeline. {Interestedly, her eyes on the pa¬ 
per) So it says ! {Looks up from paper) I’ll have 
to show this to Professor Parker. Confidentially, 
girls, he was telling me this morning that he was so 
afraid Hiram was not quite on my mental plane. 
But I feel that even the Professor must ack¬ 
nowledge that this brings him a little nearer. 

Thyrza. {Lightly sarcastic) Some one ought to 
break it to Hiram that he has a rival. 

Evangeline. {Pleased but protesting) Don’t be 
foolish, Thyrza. The Professor’s friendship for me 
is purely scientific. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Very significantly, though her 
back is turned and she is dusting mantelpiece) Hm! 
{Girls all look in her direction, but as she makes no 
sign they turn away again) Of course this item 
hinting at a romance between Hiram and that Miss 


48 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Mayflower he rescued, is ridiculous. I shall tell the 
Professor that, in justice to Hiram. Give me some 
of those flowers, Emily. {Emily does so, and the 
three girls begin to arrange flowers in the various 
vases) 

Mrs. Bumpsky. Excuse me, young ladies, but if 
them there young fellows is goin’ to sing anything, 
would you mind askin’ ’em to make it: “ Cornin’ 

Through The Rye ? ” While I’m scrubbin’ out there 
in the hall. {Gestures toward door c.) I can keep 
time with my brush if they do. 

Thyrza. It’s hardly likely they’ll do any re¬ 
hearsing here, Mrs. Bumpsky. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. Oh, won’t somebody tease ’em to 
sing just one little song? If anything on earth brings 
back my courtin’ days, and makes me feel like a colt 
kickin’ over the barnyard fence, it’s that: Should 

a body kiss a body cornin’ through the rye? ” {Gives 
a hysterical giggle, then chews gum rapidly) 

Emily. {Tries to change the subject) I think I’ll 
put some of these flowers in the supper-room. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. I ain’t above askin’ for a chune 
myself if I meets one of ’em. {Sings) “ Cornin’ up 
the stairs.” That “ if a body ” just sort of ketches 
me in the ribs, and tickles me to death! {Gives an¬ 
other hysterical laugh) 

Thyrza. {Pointedly ignores Mrs. Bumpsky) 
Those you have arranged look very pretty, Emily. 

Egangeline. Yes, don’t they? {Pointedly, to 
give Mrs. Bumpsky a hint) The sooner the room 
is in perfect order, the better. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Continues, undisturbed) And 
there’s another song I like: “We are the jolly 
gay stujents.” Say, ain’t them college boys just 
wall-eyed temptations to the female heart anyhow? 
I’d marry one of ’em myself, if I wasn’t already 
took! 

Egangeline. {Sternly) It seems to me I still 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 49 

see some dust on the arm of that chair, Mrs. Bump- 
sky. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Takes dust cloth and goes over 
to chair. Stands with cloth poised in her hand and 
continues talking) I just lose my mind over them 
big athloutic ones—all muscles! Land sakes, I’ve 
swallowed my gum! And it was the snappy kind 
I like best. {Grips at the hack of a chair. Smiles 
delightedly as she feels a dried wad of gum) I 
declare, Miss Slater, I’m glad it was this chair you 
pinted out. Just catchin’ hold of it I found an¬ 
other piece— {Looks at it) the snappy kind too! 
{Puts gum in mouth; falls to and dusts chair 
vigorously) 

Evangeline. {To Thyrza) Do you need any 
help preparing the refreshments? 

Thyrza. The sandwiches aren’t made and the 
lemonade not even started. 

Emily. I’ll cut the cake. (Emily and Evange¬ 
line run off door r. As Thyrza reaches it, she 
pauses and turns to speak to Mrs. Bumpsky) 

Thyrza., Please get through here, Mrs. Bump¬ 
sky. We don’t want people stumbling over a pail 
of water as they come in. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. It’s clean water and won’t hurt 
’em. But I’ll soon move on out into the hall. {Exit 
Thyrza r. Mrs. Buimpsky, with hands on hips, 
looks around inquiringly) Now what did I do with 
that extry piece of soap ? {Picks up pail and other 
belongings) 

Bedelia. {Sticks head in at door l.) How do, 
Mrs. Bumpsky? 

Mrs. Bumpsky. Oh, you’re Miss Norris, ain’t 
you? {As Bedelia enters) Land, you ought to 
catch a feller. You’re dressed as handsome as Co¬ 
lumbia the gem of the ocean. {Exits c. humming 
'' Oh, Columbia the gem of the ocean/’) 

Bedelia. {Speaks off l.) Come in, Hiram. 


50 ’ 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


They’ve been here decorating, but there’s no one 
in sight now. 

Jinks. {Creeps in l., limp and forlorn, a copy 
of the Gazette in his hand) You were a brick to 
meet me at the station, Bedelia, and put me on to 
this. If you hadn’t headed me off from going on 
up to the hotel with the other fellows, I shouldn’t 
have known a thing about it. {Points to Gazette 
article) I couldn’t understand from Miss Judson’s 
note what it was the girls wanted to congratulate 
me about when I got to Wurtsboro, but now I 
know. {Reads) “ Hiram Jinks a hero.” I feel 
as heroic—just about—as a dog with a tin-can tied to 
his tail. 

Bedelia. I couldn’t contradict the Gazette, Hiram 
for of course I never breathed a word to anyone 
about your substituting in that Moving Picture for 
fear it would get to your father. . So the girls all 
think it was a real fire, and that you proved your¬ 
self to be the bravest thing that ever happened. 
{Points to ^‘Welcome ” placard on wall) Look at 
that placard. That’s for you. And the girls are 
ready to fling roses in your pathway the moment 
they catch sight of you. 

Jinks. I never appreciated the delights of ob¬ 
scurity until now. I’ve got to refuse the roses, and 
hand out a basket of eggs to be thrown at me in¬ 
stead. Bedelia, it’s tough! I always disliked eggs. 
They make me bilious. 

Bedelia. Who wrote the thing anyhow? 

Jinks. Tom Hodge. It bears his unmistakable 
ear-marks. Large ears make large marks, and it’s 
spread all over the page. 

Bedelia. {In surprise) Mr. Hodge? Why, I 
should think if he wrote about anything it ought 
to be foot-ball, followed by his personal experiences. 

Jinks. You’re mistaken. If Hodge wrote about 
anything it ought to be suicide, followed by his per¬ 
sonal example. He was crazy to meet the Wurts- 


51 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

boro girls, he said. Now I know why. It was to 
see me fall off the pedestal they’ve placed me on 
and sustain a compound fracture of the neck. 

Mrs. Rogers. {Appears at c.) Oh, Mr. Jinks. 
So glad I caught up with you! I just got the note 
you left at the Gazette office on your way from the 
Station. It has upset me terribly. I can hardly be¬ 
lieve yet that anyone would dare impose upon the 
columns of my husband’s paper like that! 

Jinks. Nobody would but the smart Elik that 
did, Mrs. Rogers. 

Mrs. Rogers. Why I regret it all particularly 
is that I accepted the notice in Mr. Rogers’ absence. 
He’s running for State senator and is away making 
speeches, you know, and I’ve acted as editor in his 
place; and just see what a terrible error of judg¬ 
ment it was for me to print that sensational thing 
without ever attempting to verify it I 

Jinks. Nobody can blame the Gazette after 
they know the truth, and I promise you this whole 
town will have the straight of the story before 
night. 

Mrs. Rogers. {Frantically) Oh, but they 
mustn’t! 

Jinks. {In amazement) What? 

Mrs. Rogers. Oh, ]\Ir. Jinks, just before the 
election like this, if my husband’s opponents can ac¬ 
cuse his paper of being sensational and unreliable, 
printing news only to recall it again—don’t you see it 
might defeat him for the Legislature, and through 
no mistake of his own? 

Jinks, {Slowly, thoughtfully) What? You 
don’t miean you want me to be a hero in spite of my¬ 
self, and let the story stand ? 

Mrs. Rogers. {Earnestly) Just for a couple 
of days—until after it’s too late for them to attack 
the Gazette. Then you can tell the whole world if 
you like, and of course the Gazette will come out 
with a full explanation. Oh, harmless as an edi- 


52 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

torial mistake might seem at another time, there’s 
no telling what disastrous consequences it might 
have if discovered now! Please, please, Mr. Jinks, 
refrain from contradicting the story—just for a 
couple of days. Promise me you will. 

Bedelia. {Puts her arm sympathetically about 
Mrs. Rogers) Do, Hiram! It’s all right to let it 
stand for such a little while. Anyhow, the girls 
would be awfully disappointed to find out you’re 
not a hero after all, when they’ve made sandwiches 
and fudge on purpose to reward you. 

Jinks. {With a dawning grin) It wouldn't be 
a bad scheme to throw a bluff and make Friend 
Hodge eat his own words if I could get away with 
it. But when people began to question me about the , 
fire —{Shakes his head dubiously) 

Mrs. Rogers. Surely you can evade them! Say ' 
you don’t like to talk about it—refer them to the 
Gazette. 

Bedelia. Yes! write it down on your cuff if 
you’re afraid you can’t remember it: “I don’t like 
to talk about it. I refer you to the Gazette.” 

Jinks. But it’s sailing under false colors, Bede¬ 
lia—Hodge’s colors, and I never did like his taste 
in tints. He’s the worst man to borrow neckties 
from I know anything about. 

Mrs. Rogers. Oh, of course I don’t like to ask 
you to sail under false colors, but when I think how 
proud my husband was over his nomination and 
that I— {Chokes, puts handkerchief to lips and is 
about to burst into tears) 

Jinks. {Overcome by her display of emotion) 
Don’t cry, Mrs. Rogers. Hodge created a hero; 
now let him walk in the procession behind him. 

Mrs. Rogers. {Eagerly) You mean? 

Jinks. I mean I’ll undertake it. 

Mrs. Rogers. {Overjoyed) How can I ever 
thank you? 

Jinks. Don’t! I may fall down on it so hard 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 53 

they’ll have to send for an ambulance. But I’ll try 
to head Hodge off the subject of the fire by inundat¬ 
ing him with a flow of language large enough to 
drown him. {Chorus of laughter heard from off r.) 

Bedelia. Sh! Some of the girls are there in 
the supper-room! 

Jinks. {Beckoning Bedelia and Mrs. Rogers) 
Draw hither, fellow conspirators! ( They draw close 
mid Jinks begins to talk almost inaudihly. 
Evangeline opens door r. and catches sight of the 
group) Of course there will be some of the other 
fellows who may try to stand in with Hodge on 
giving me the merry ha! ha! and I’ve got to be 
prepared for that situation too. 

Evangeline. {Rather unpleasantly) I hope I 
do not disturb a confidential conversation. 

Jinks. {Embarassed but game) Why, how do 
you do, Evangeline? Not at all. {Goes up and 
shakes her by both hands) 

Mrs. Rogers. {A bit confused) We were just 
talking about— {Pauses awkwardly) 

Jinks. That’s right—just talking about— {Is un¬ 
able to proceed) 

Bedelia. {Airily) So you see, Evangeline, you 
were really not disturbing anything at all. 

Evangeline. {Looking from one to the other 
rather suspiciously) Hm! 

Bedelia. {In nervous fear of further question¬ 
ing by Evangeline) Mrs. Rogers, I’ll walk with 
you as far as the drug-store. I feel like a Sundae. 

Mrs. Rogers. {Bozvs to Jinks and Evangeline, 
who return the courtesy) Good-afternoon. 

Jinks and Evangeline. Good-afternoon. {Exit 
Mrs. Rogers awe? Bedelia, L.) 

Evangeline. That’s right—stand out here and 
talk with just anybody instead of trying to find 
me! For many reasons, Hiram, this Hoosic fire 
didn’t happen any too soon. 

Jinks. Excuse me a minute while I make a 


54 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


memorandum. {Takes lead-pencil and begins to 
scribble on his cuff) ' 

Evangeline. It’s high time you did something 
to redeem yourself. 

Jinks. Redeem myself? I didn’t know I was 
in pawn. 

Evangeline. There you go again, rattling off 
off those foolish college-boy replies. You haven’t 
written me twice a day as I asked you to, nor shown 
the slightest realization that there may be other 
men willing to write me ardent and poetic letters 
even if you aren’t, and then, when you do write, it’s 
just ordinary happenings without one word of this 
important one that’s come out in the Gazette! That 
Hoosic fire, I mean. 

Jinks. {Stutters, consciously) Y-you read 
about it in the Gazette ? 

Evangeline. Of course. Isn’t it full of it? 

Jinks. So full it’s a jag. 

Evangeline. I don’t see why you didn’t let me 
know about it instantly, instead of leaving me to 
hear it from some on else. 

Jinks. Well, the fact is, Evaneline — {Glances 
at his Cliff) I don’t like to talk about it. 

Evangeline. You look dreadfully tired and 
worried . somehow. What’s on your mind ? 

Jinks. I refer you to the Gazette. No—I mean 
—I—well, I—I did a lot of thinking on the train, 
Evangeline, thinking of—thinking of—Wurstboro 
—and home, and everybody. I kept looking out of 
the window and counting the mile posts as they 
flashed by like—er—like love-knots in a rope of 
pearls. The pearls were—were cows— {He and 
Evangeline are now seated at either side of table 
R. and he leans across it sentimentally) it all— 
reminded me of you, Evangeline, I don’t know why. 

Evangeline. {Gives a sarcastic little smile, and 
sighs heavily) Professor Parker remarked to me 
this morning that the gift of eloquence can not be 



THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 55 

acquired, it must come natural. Em beginning to 
think he is right. 

Jinks. Oh, it’s entirely natural with me. Er— 
where was I? 

Evangeline. You were with the cows on a rope 
of pearls. The Professor is a wonderful critic. Go 
on, Hiram. 

Jinks. And as I was saying, I was homesick. 
In some of the towns we passed, Evangeline, there 
were tin-can factories, and I couldn’t help thinking 
■—I suppose it was foolish- 

Evangeline. (Softly, not averse to a sentimen¬ 
tal speech from Jinks) Oh, I shouldn’t call it 
foolish if I were you. What was it? 

Jinks. (Bursts forth impetuously) I couldn’t 
help thinking that they weren’t half as big, and 
didn’t have half as many chimneys as our tin-can 
factory in Wurtsboro. 

Evangeline. (Disappointedly addressing space) 
It cannot be acquired—the Professor was right! 

Jinks. (Testily) You know I wouldn’t mind 
at all if you introduced me to that Professor some¬ 
time, Evangeline. I feel that when we parted there 
might be only one of us to say good-bye. 

Evangeline. Well, and after you had counted 
the chimneys, what then? 

Jinks. Then, we arrived. I jumped off the train 
at the station—not on one side of it, nor the other 
side of it, but right at it, you know—Where was I ? 

Evangeline. (With soft sarcasm) Where you 
landed, I suppose. 

Jinks. Oh, yes! And there stood old Elmer 
Hankins—half drunk, to be sure, but the same dear 
old Elmer! 

Evangeline. I hate to contradict you, but dear 
old Elmer is dead. 

Jinks. (Discomfited) Eh? You don’t mean 
to tell me that wasn’t Elmer after all ? I didn’t stop 
to shake hands with him. I just said: “Elmer, 



56 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

ril see you later.’^ Of course I didn’t know he was 
dead, or I wouldn’t have promised to see him later. 
The joke’s on me. 

Evangeline. {Springs up indignantly) Hiram 
Poynter Jinks, if that is the best conversation you 
are capable of when you haven’t seen a girl for 
months and months, I’m sorry for you, that’s all! 
And for myself I 

Jinks. (Appealingly) I’m rattled to-day, Evan¬ 
geline. I’ve got something on my mind—that has to 
be met and conquered this evening, and if you’d 
just pat me on the back a little for a change, and try 
to brace me up- 

Evangeline. Something on your mind that has 
to be conquered, you say ? Does that mean you con¬ 
science hurts you for thinking of some other girl 
instead of me? 

Jinks. (Despairingly) Is this the thirteenth 
month in the year, or the first of April, or what? 
Guess I’ll run up to the hotel for a shave, and 
come back with the other boys. (Starts for door l. 

Evangeline. (Agitatedly) Wait! You don’t 
deny it, I notice ? The other girl, I mean ? 

Jinks. But she was engaged to some one else, 
Evangeline, and it’s all over. And I looked at your 
picture in my watch to help me remember you— 
kept on looking at it, and that isn’t what I was talk¬ 
ing about anyhow. 

Evangeline. But it’s what Dm talking about. 
Oh, Professor Parker said it would all come to this 
some day with your temperament, but I refused to 
believe him! What’s her name ? Don’t dare to 
mention it! I refuse to sully my ears by listening. 
How dare you think of another girl when you’re en¬ 
gaged to me? Oh, for the sake of appearances we’ll 
act before the others as if nothing had happened, 
but before I can ever trust in you again, you’ll have 
to get down on your knees to me and remain there 



THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 57 

years, and years, and years! {Exits r. tumul¬ 
tuously) 

(Jinks, left alone, rubs his knees ruefully, first one, 
then the other) 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Runs into him as he starts to 
Exit L.) Excuse me, but are you one of them Glee 
Club visitors ? 

Jinks. Don’t say “ glee ” to me. Madam, say 
gloom. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Advances, a scrubbing-brush in 
one hand and a rag in the other) Because if you are, 
won’t you tell ’em a poor grass widow wants ’em to 
sing “ Cornin’ through the rye ? ” 

Jinks. We can’t sing “ Coming thrdugh the rye,” 
in this town—it’s prohibition. We might warble 
“ Skating on the sky,” biit it’s too high for our tenor. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. It’s a world of disappoinment, 
ain’t it? If it wasn’t for chewin’-gum, life wouldn’t 
be worth the livin’. {Starts to exit c. but meets 
Mimi in doorway) ’Scuse me, I nearly bumped 
you. 

Mimi. {Turns toivard Jinks) Certainly. Oh, 
Mr. Jinks, Bedelia said I’d find you here. {Comes 
down and gives him her hand) 

Jinks. {Amazed) Miss Mimi Mayflower, in 
Wurtsboro? Can I believe my eyes ? 

Mimi. ' {Laughingly) If they’re in the habit of 
telling you the truth. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. {Who has never taken her eyes 
off Mimi) Oh, ’tain’t polite for me to interrupt, but 
would you mind tellin’ me, Miss, if you’re one of 
them cinnamon-photograph young ladies like I 
paid a nickel to see over to Fairfield last night ? 

Mimi. {Laughs) While I’m in Wurtsboro, 
Madam, I’m not a “ cinnamon ” anything. 

Mrs. Bumpsky. Well, you certainly do look it! 
You’d be grand in one of them jMovin’ pictures 


58 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

where your eyes are the size of dishpans and your 
face as big as the side of the house. “ Closed up,’^ 
they call ’em. Next to chewin’-gum, give me Movin’ 
Pictures ! ( Exits l. ) 

Jinks. (ToMimi) I’m dreaming. I know I am. 
This isn’t you ? 

Mimi. Yes, but it is! Bedelia wrote me you’d 
be passing through Wurtsboro, and the Paradise 
Multiple Reel Unsurpassed Screen Favorites Com¬ 
pany sent me down all the way from New York to 
intercept you on account of the hit you made as 
Eddie, the fireman. 

Jinks. Now please don’t guy me like that, Miss 
Mayflower I Have mercy! 

Mimi. They said you were so funny in the 
hospital scene they cried tears of joy! 

Jinks. {Unbelievingly) Funny? Why, it was 
tragedy! I was scared blind and on the verge of 
paresis! 

Mimi. Of course you didn’t mean to be funny, 
but you were. 

Jinks. {Ruefully) And did they send you here 
to sue me for damages? 

Mimi. On the contrary, they were so enraptured 
over your comedy, they wish to engage you again 
during your next vacation. They insist you shall 
run down to New York to talk things over with 
them. 

Jinks. {Backs away, suspiciously) Nay, Nay! 
They want to lure me into their presence, and shoot 
me at sunrise. I know! They can’t fool Eddie the 
fireman. 

Mimi. {Coaxingly) Really, Mr. Jinks, they 
want you. And at a Broadway salary too! {Draws 
folded paper from the bag she carries) Here’s the 
contract, with a blank space for your name. We 
picturize so beautifully together! RigRt here is 
where you sign. {Back of table r. places contract 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 59 

upon it. She and Jinks lean over to read the terms 
of contract) 

Jinks. {Softly, his cheek almost touching hers) 
That contract goes to my head! 

Mimi. {Softly, pointing to foot of contract) 
Does it? Here’s where you write your name? 

Jinks. Where? {Their hands descend upon pa¬ 
per at the same moment. Involuntarily Jinks’s 
fingers close over hers) Mimi! 

Mimi. {In confusion draws her hand a^zvay) 
Mr. Jinks! 

Jinks. {With emotion) You see, little girl, it 
won’t do. I couldn’t have my watch strapped to the 
palm of my hand all the time we were rehearsing, 
you know, it wouldn’t be practical. And the girl 
inside the watch is angry at me now; says the only 
way I can square myself is to go down on my knees 
and stay there years, and years, and years. 

Mimi. I don’t think the position would be becom¬ 
ing to you at all, Mr. Jinks. But of course if the 
girl has a jealous nature— {Sighs) But perhaps it 
is just as well. Nash is jealous too. 

Jinks. {Very jealous) It’s contemptible in a 
man to be jealous. There’s something about the 
very mention of Nash’s name that makes me sick. 

Mimi. {Innocently) Is that so? Why? 

Jinks. Why? {Scratches his head to conjure up 
a reply) Why—Why, simply because it does, that’s 
all. 

Mimi. {Takes up contract and returns it to bag) 
Well, the Paradise Multiple Reel Unsurpassed 
Screen Favorites Company is going to be awfully 
disappointed! Oh, by the way, when I met Bedelia 
a little while ago, she showed me that absurd sen¬ 
sational thing Mr. Hodge sent the Gazette. 

Jinks. {With mock gravity) “Absurd?” 
“ Sensational ? ” Why, it’s all true. Miss Mayflower, 
every word of it. 

Mimi. {Understandingly) True, by special re- 


6 o 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


quest of Mrs. Rogers. Yes, I know! You are a 
real rescuer, and I was really rescued. The Wurts- 
boro Gazette has said it! {Makes low curtsy) 
Thank you kindly for saving my life. I don’t know 
but what I ought to thank you publicly. 

Jinks. {Latighs, with pleasant sarcasm) By all 
means. I deserve it! 

Mimi. {Mischievously) Maybe I’m in fun, and 
maybe not. 

Jinks. {Interested) What do you mean? 

Mimi. I mean I’ve something up my sleeve? 

Jinks. You little tease! What is it? 

Mimi. My arm! {Runs to door c. turns, laugh- 
ingly) Au revoir, but not good-bye! ” {Exits c.) 

(Hiram starts toward door c. to look after Mimi) 

Thyrza. {Enters hastily from r., followed by 
Emily.) Hiram ! How do you do? 

Jinks. {As Thyrza offers her hand) Fine! 

Emily. Evangeline just this minute told us you 
were here! Welcome to our city! It’s a trite say¬ 
ing, but I mean it. 

Thyrza. The whole of Wurtsboro means it! 

Minnie. {Enters l., calls hack of her to Be- 
delia) Yes, Bedelia, here is Mr. Jinks! {Runs up 
to Hiram. While she is talking, Bedelia enters l.) 
Congratulations! {Pumps Jinks’s hand up and 
dozvn vigorously) You wonderful fellow! We can 
never call you just plain Hi Jinks again since you’ve 
come back to us so famous ! 

Thyrza. Aren’t you going to congratulate him 
too, Bedelia? 

Bedelia. {Frightened) Of course. How do, 
Hiram—I—I don’t know what to say. 

Jinks. {With feeling) Neither do I, Bedelia. 

Minnie. Just think, girls, we’re gazing upon a 
genuine life saver! 



THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 6i 

Jinks. Now, please, no haloes! They don’t fit 
me—too large in the head size. 

Emily. Why, he acts as if saving twenty lives 
was nothing at all! 

Jinks. Twenty? Great Scott! 

Thyrza. It said twenty in the Gazette. 

Jinks. Hm ! Nineteen would be nearer the num¬ 
ber—one nearer. {Walks toward doqr c., trying to 
escape the chatter) It’s about time some of those 
Glee Club fellows were getting here, isn’t it? 

Thyrza. {Goes up and takes him by one arm) 
No, we have you all to ourselves. It’s too early for 
them yet. 

Emily. There must He a lot of interesting details 
the Gazette didn’t get hold of. {Takes his other 
arm, and the two girls bring him down Ho c. between 
them) Tell us about them. 

Jinks. {Looks at his cuff, then speaks in strained, 
mechanical tone) I don’t like to talk about it. 

Minnie. {With enormous enthusiasm) Oh, but 
you must! Just think what it will mean to us girls 
in after years to be able to tell our children, and our 
children’s children, of hearing you tell us with your 
own lips how you saved each of those nineteen 
lives! 

Jinks. {Gasps with horror) I refer your grand¬ 
children to the Gazette! 

Bedelia. Minnie, how selfish of you not to notice 
what a dreadful cold Hiram has! We all ought to 
wait until his voice is clear. (Hiram coughs pain¬ 
fully, to give color to Bedelia’s statement) 

Minnie. .Who cares whether his voice is clear or 
not? If; it’s affected by the fire, that makes the ac¬ 
count of it all the more harrowing! 

Thyrza. {Promptingly, to Jinks) The Ga¬ 
zette says you rushed into the burning building 
without a moment’s hesitation. 

Jinks. Go on, Thyrza, you tell about it. You 
always talked better than I do. 


62 


THE.RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Minnie. Oh, please talk, Mr. Jinks! We’re just 
dying to be thrilled! 

Jinks. But—^but—it was just an ordinary fire. 

Minnie. (Shakes her finger at him playfully) 
As if we didn’t know better than that! 

Jinks. Bells, you know. Flames. Fire-engine. 
Smoke. Oh, a lot of smoke—and hot air! (Chokes 
violently) 

(Evangeline enters r. but remains somewhat in the 
background) 

Bedelia. What a shame to make him talk with a 
cold! 

Thyrza. And where were you when it began, 
Hiram ? ' 

Jinks. When what began? The cold? 

Thyrza. No, the fire. 

Jinks. I was out for a stroll. 

Emily. So late? The paper said the fire broke 
out shortly after midnight. 

Jinks. (Proceeding somewhat disjointedly and 
with difficulty) Well, you see, Emily—I was stroll¬ 
ing so late because—because I’d been visiting the 
poor. Oh, very poor indeed. Ragged! Freezing 1 
That’s what gave me such a cold. (Coughs) Well, 
as I said before, I smelled smoke, ran to the spot, 
and, oh, just did what I could. I—just—rescued 
them. 

Minnie. But, Mr. Jinks, those poor girls must 
have been waked from a sound sleep! Oh, they 
were not in their— (Pauses, modestly) 

Emily. In their— (Shudders) 

Thyrza. (Severely, to girls) Nothing! 

Jinks. (Mechanically) I don’t like to talk 
about it. 

Emily. It must have taken courage. 

Jinks. It does. Now listen, girls, let us let it 
rest awhile, until the horror of it dies down a little. 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 63 

Then I can think more clearly. This was to be your 
Browning evening, wasn’t it? Good scout, Brown¬ 
ing! I never fall into a brown study that I don’t 
think of him. Let’s get up a heated discussion—in 
place of the fire. 

Thyrza. No, no, no! We absolutely refuse to 
go back to Browning. 

Emily. If Hiram samples our cake and lemon¬ 
ade, perhaps he’ll feel more like the fire. 

Minnie. Splendid idea ! With Evangeline’s per¬ 
mission, I’ll escort him to the supper-room. 

Evangeline. {With icy politeness) You have 
my permission. 

Thyrza. No, Minnie, I planned all this. The 
honor belongs to me. {Playfully pushes Minnie 
aside and takes Jinks by the arm) 

Emily. {Laughingly) No matter to whom the 
honor belongs. I’m going to take it. {The three 
girls struggle to escort Jinks off r. Bedelia and 
Evangeline follow and exit after them r.) 

{Enter Mrs. Bumpsky door c. She is making 
ready to go home. She sets her bonnet on at a 
perilous angle, and lets down her sleeves. All 
the time she is chewing vigorously. Finally 
she removes a wad of chewing-gum from her 
mouth, and sticks it carefidly under the arm 
of a chair for future use. She hums '' Coming 
Through The Rye,” and exits door l.) 

Obadiah. {Heard off^ c.) Yes, sir-ee! This 
is the place where the Literary Research Club re¬ 
searches, if that’s where Hiram said he’d meet you. 
(Obadiah enters c., followed by Thomas Hodge, 
Henry Shorter and George Davis) He ain’t got 
here yet, I see, but you can set down and wait 
for him. {Omnes seat themselves) Glad your 
Club’s goin’ to give a concert at the Grange to¬ 
morrow night. Some of ’em wanted the Mexican 


64 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Bandit Quartette instead. But I says: “No, let’s 
have the college boys. I don’t s’pose there’s any 
real wit to their show, but it pleases ’em to hear 
themselves sing, and it’s cheaper.” 

Hodge. {Gives a disagreeable laugh) Last item 
most important, I suppose? 

Obadiah. {Displeased with something in Hodge’s 
manner) Is this your first year in college, young 
man? The fresh year? 

Hodge. No, this is my Senior year. 

Obadiah. Hm! You don’t look as if you’d 
learned enough to git a dyeploma. Now my boy 
Hiram if I do say it myself, looks as if he could 
carry off three or four at once and be deservin’ of 
them all. 

Hodge. ( Under his breath to George and Henry, 
referrmg to Obadiah) Wurtsboro at its worst. 

Obadiah. Hey? 

Hodge. I was just remarking it’s strange we 
should be the first to arrive. 

Obadiah. Well, it’s early yet. {Sniffs) But I 
smell coffee a bilin’! Bet there’s a committee of 
gals inside fixin’ you somethin’ to eat. ' Shall I 
knock and tell ’em you’re here? 

Henry. No, don’t, Mr. Jinks. 

George. We’d prefer to be discovered. 

Obadiah. I can’t understand where Hiram’s 
keepin’ himself, nor why he didn’t drop into my 
feed-store soon as he struck town. Most likely it’s 
because folks is stoppin’ him in the street right and 
left, a slappin’ him on the back; braggin’ on him 
for savin’ so many lives from the flames; and he 
can’t get away from ’em. It must have been ex¬ 
citin'’ times for you Hoosic people with that con¬ 
flagration a goin’ on and one of your fellow students 
a makin’ a name for himself in history. 

Hodge. He wrote you- all about it, I suppose? 
{Winks at Henry and George) 

Obadiah. Not a word! If it hadn’t been for 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 65 

the Gazette sendin’ for a picture of him in his 
baby clothes, Ma and me wouldn't have known 
a thing about it. 

Hodge. (Sarcastically) And I suppose any news 
that comes out in the Gazette is law and gospel to 
you Wurtsboro-ites? 

Ob ADI AH. (Proudly) * Law and gospelthat's 
right. We're a runnin' its editor for State Legis¬ 
lature, which shows what we think of him and his 
paper. Nothin’ yellow about either one of 'em. 
Say, if you care to tell me any of the inside partic¬ 
ulars about how the boy behaved himself, I’ll be 
glad to hear ’em. 

Hodge. I didn’t happen to be present at the fire 
mysef, but I know you’ll be astonished when the 
whole story comes out. 

Obadiah. (Leans hack, thumbs in armholes) 
Shouldn’t wonder if that’s so. Some of our leadin' 
citizens think Hiram ought to be made an honorary 
member of the fire department, as a reward of 
merit. 

Hodge. (After another sly zvink to his fellow 
students) “ Fireman Jinks! ” Sounds great, doesn’t 
It? But Jinksie deserves all he’s going to get, and 
he's going to get— (Significantly) plenty. Ah, 
there's nobody quite like your noble son Hiram, 
Mr. Jinks! 

Obadiah. Well, of course it ain’t right to get 
too puffed up over him. But I do calculate to raise 
his spendin’ money a dollar and a half a month 
for his bravery at that fire—providing the smoke 
didn’t injure his clothes. (Rises) I’ll travel up 
the block a ways, and see if I can’t locate him and 
bring him along back with me. (Exits l.) 

George. Say, Hodge, hand it to Jinksie all you 
like, but it’s cheap work to guy his old man. 

Henry. Right you are, George. I’d soak any¬ 
one who handed it to my governor like that. 


66 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Hodge. (Sneerhigly) You fellows make me 
tired. And I can dispense with either your advice 
or your help when it comes to the Jinks tribe. All 
I ask is to be allowed to play my game alone. Old 
Jinks will get a bump and a half when I make 
Jinksie own up he’s been made a fool of, but it will 
shake a little of the hayseed out of his hair and 
do him good. {Grips arm of chair and encounters 
Mrs. Bumpsky’s gum) What in thunder’s that? 
{Disgustedly throws wad across room) 

Bedelia. {Appears in door r.) For goodness 
sakes, here you are and no one to meet you! How 
do, Mr. Hodge? {Shakes hands with Hodge. 
Evangeline enters r. and stands waiting to be 
introduced) I want to introduce you to Miss 
Slater. (Evangeline acknozdedges introduction) 
And this is Mr. Davis, Evangeline; and Mr. Shorter- 

Henry. Delighted! 

Evangeline. {Pleasantly) Pleased. 

George. I’ve heard of Miss Slater, often. 

Bedelia. You see we all got to discussing 
Browning, in there, and forgot possible arrivals 
and everything. 

Evangeline. We Literary Researchers are so 
enthusiastic over culture we sometimes neglect our 
manners. 

Jinks. {Enters r., followed by Thyrza, Emily 
and Minnie) “By-paths to Browning!” Your 
Club couldn’t have chosen a better subject. Miss 
Snodgrass. Browning, the perfect friend! Ah, 
how do, Hodge! Browning, the perfect lover! 
Hello, George, you haven’t changed a bit! Brown¬ 
ing, the perfect poet! Henry, is that really you? 
Girls, it’s really Henry! But, at all events, Brown¬ 
ing’s doctrine of the infeasibility of essence of the 
individual cosmos, and the essential community 
of spirit—ah, there is where we have the poet at his 
best,—^that community of spirit thing, you know- 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 67 

Hodge. (Suspicions that Jinks is merely try¬ 
ing to gain time) Look here, Jinksie, I- 

Jinks. (Apparently unaware that Hodge has 
spoken) And you see, honored representatives of 
the Wurtsboro Literary Research Club, and visit¬ 
ing hoodlums—Hoosics, I mean—all these things 
manifest themselves in varying connections, but 
(Enter Obadiah unobserved, at c.) when all is 
said and done, I ask you earnestly, what is to save 
the artistic life of the nation from decay- 

Obadiah. (Advances a step, and extends both 
arms toivard Jinks zvith fatherly pride) Hiram, 
my boy! 

Jinks. (Thrown off his balance by the un¬ 
expected in terruptio n) —decay—decay—er—hello. 
Dad! Take a chair. As I was saying, ladies and 
gentlemen,- 

Obadiah. Talkin’ about the fire? 

Hodge. (With malicious enjoyment) No, Mr. 
Jinks, he’s just approaching the fire. 

Obadiah. How does it feel to be the biggest man 
in town? 

Hodge. (Mockingly) Tell your father the 

truth, Jinksie, the whole truth, and nothing but the 
truth. 

Minnie. (With great enthusiasm) Oh, yes, 
we’re all just dying to hear it! 

Obadiah. How’d she start, eh ? 

Jinks. (Rattled) Who? 

Hodge. (Sarcastically) The fire. 

Obadiah. The whole town is tickled to death 
with you, Hiram. 

Jinks. (Evasively) Oh, all this hero worship 

doesn’t mean anything. Dad! 

Hodge. Now, now, Jinksie! Beating around 
the bush only puts off the evil hour. 

Jinks. (Apparently much depressed) You’re 
right about that, Hodge. I might as well face it. 






68 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Hodge. {With smile of satisfaction, tilts back 
in his chair) Hah! 

Jinks. I may as well tell about that Carnegie 
medal now as anytime. 

Hodge. {Stupidly, not realizing that Jinks has 
been tricking him) Huh? 

Thyrza. Carnegie medal, did you say? 

Minnie. Oh, how exciting! 

Emily. What about the Carnegie medal? 

Jinks. I was obliged to refuse it. 

Emily, Thyrza and Minnie. {Disappointedly 
Oh! 

Jinks. The Carnegie people annoyed me so with 
questions and things, and blanks to fill out, that all 
the fuss kept me from my studies. Hodge can 
testify to that. And, anyhow, medals make one 
feel so conspicuous! 

Hodge. Well, this is good! This is rich! Ha, 
ha, ha! Ha,,ha, ha! 

Obadiah. What is he laughing about, Hiram? 

Thyrza. {Rises) Yes, what are you laughing 
about ? 

(Omnes rise) 

Hodge. Ask Henry! Ask George. They know 
as well as I do. Oh, Jinks, this was worth coming 
miles to see. Ha, ha, ha! ” What am I laughing 
at?” Ha, ha, ha! 

Jinks. Ell explain. It's a hyena laugh of jeal¬ 
ousy ! 

Hodge. {Sobers instantly, glaring at Jinks) 
Jealousy ? 

Jinks. {Grandiloquently) You are jealous be¬ 
cause you did not assist me in my rescue work as 
did your noble associates, Henry and George. 
{Makes gesture toward the astonished Henry) 
Henry, the first man to enter the burning building! 
{Makes gesture toward George, who is equally) 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 69 

astonished) George, who had the presence of mind 
to send in the alarm of fire! 

Henry. {Recovering) I say, Jinksie- 

Emily. {Interrupts him, taking him by the hand) 
Oh, Mr. Shorter, the moment I laid eyes on you I 
said: “ He’s just one of those splendid college boys 
that must have stood by Hiram through it all! 

Minnie. {Rushes up to George) And oh, Mr. 
Davis, I felt all along that in the hour of danger 
you must have been equal to anything! And now 
that I know you were the one who sent in the alarm 
of fire, I can’t tell you how much I admire you! 

Hodge. {Furious) George did nothing at all! 

Jinks. Oh, George may have cut his hand a little 
smashing the glass, but what was that? Nothing 
at all! He paid no attention to it. 

Minnie. (To George) Your poor hand? Did 
it leave a scar? May I see for myself? {Lifts his 
hand and looks at it anxiously, giving it a little pat 
of sympathy) 

George. {Delighted to attract her attention) 
Surest thing you know! {They walk aside, she 
looking at his hand) 

Hodge. {Harshly) George! 

George. {Wholly taken up with Minnie) Nice 
town, Wurtsboro. Nice lot of girls! More you see 
of them, nicer they are! 

Hodge. Henry, stand by me. Don’t be a second 
jelly-fish! 

Henry. {Flares up at this) Who's a jelly¬ 
fish? You asked to play your game alone—now 
play it! 

Hodge. {Between set teeth) Traitors, both of 
you! 

Obadiah. {To Hodge) Look here, young man, 
what’s a gettin’ your goat anyhow ? What have you 
got ag’in my boy Hiram that’s had almost a page 
a praisin’ him in our Wurtsboro Weekly Gazette ? 

Hodge. {With a sneer) The Wurtsboro Weekly 



70 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Gazette! A paper that buys its insides from a 
type-foundry every week. A paper that swallowed 
a fake story, hook, bait and all! 

Jinks. {Dropping comedy manner entirely) 
Hodge you leave the Gazette alone! You may have 
a few scores to settle with me, but neither the Gazette 
nor its editor ever did you any harm. Hands off 
of both of them ! (Mimi appears in door c., a tissue- 
covered bundle in her hands) 

Hodge. {In a rage) Then, Gazette or no Gazette, 
I propose to let everybody know here and now, that 
there never was any Seminary fire in Hoosic, there 
never were any rescues of panic-stricken girls, and 
there never was a hero by the name of Hiram Poyn- 
ter Jinks! {He points accusingly at Jinks. General 
movement of amazement through crowd at his hold 
statement. Jinks hows his head, abashed) 

Mimi. {Advances; speaks in loud clear tone to 
Hodge) Perhaps you wish to say, also, there never 
was a Mimi Mayflower! 

Omnes. {Repeat in amazement) “ Mimi May¬ 
flower ? ” 

Hodge. {Fairly gasping with amazement at her 
unexpected appearance) You here. Miss May¬ 
flower? How? Why? 

Mimi. {Advances to c. with stately steps, others 
falling back to give her room. She turns and ad¬ 
dresses Jinks, eloquently) Mr. Hiram Poynter 
Jinks, although this town has not yet been illum¬ 
inated in honor of your triumphant return ; although 
its flags and banners are not yet flung to the breeze 
in acknowledgment of your brave deeds at that 
Hoosic fire; although the school-children have not 
yet marched the streets in holiday regalia with your 
picture borne proudly aloft before them, you still 
shall not fail of immediate appreciation, for I— 
Mimi Mayflower—here and now, express my per¬ 
sonal admiration and regard, by placing upon your 
marble brow— {Strips tissue paper from bundle) 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 71 

the laurel wreath of fame! {Places zvreath on brow 
0/ Jinks who bears his honors meekly) 

Ob ADI AH. This is the proudest moment of my 
life! {Applies huge handkerchief to his eyes) 
Minnie. {Wildly enthusiastic) Everybody 
ready! Three cheers for Hi Jinks, the hero of Hoo- 
sic! 

Omnes. Hurrah! 

{Girls, laughingly seize roses from vases and begin 
to pelt Jinks with them. Hodge, thoroughly 
disgruntled, seizes his hat, brings it down over 
his eyes, and exits c.) 

CURTAIN. 


ACT IV. 

Time: —A week later. Afternoon. 

Scene: —Home of Obadiah Jinks; the sitting- 
room. Old-fashioned furniture. Picture of 
Jinks on wall, surmounted by laurel wreath. 
Essential furnishings are a table at l., a sofa r. 
and an old-fashioned bureau against wall c. 
Doors R. and l. 

DISCOVERED:— Obadiah, sitting by table r., 
smoking a pipe. 

{Knock at door r.) 

Obadiah. {Over his shoulder) Who’s there? 
Bedelia. {Sticks head in at door) Me. May 
we come in? 

Obadiah. {Rises) Of course, little neighbor. 
Who’s *‘we?” (Mimi steps in, smilingly) How 



72 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


do, Miss Mayflower? Still visitin^ Bedelia, eh? I 
thought you was leavin’ town to-day. 

Mimi. Wurtsboro holds me like a magnet, but 
I really am going to-night. 

Bedelia. I just made her stay to help me sell 
tickets for Mr. Rogers’ lecture for the Firemen’s 
Fund this afternoon. And, oh, Mr. Jinks, it looks 
as if the house would be crowded! 

. Obadiah. {Thrusts hand in pocket. Good 
naturedly) How many am I held up for? Might 
as well have it over with. 

Bedelia. I’ve still a dozen tickets on hand. 
But seeing that you donated your feed-store to hold 
the entertainment in, the committee sent you and 
Mrs. Jinks complimentary seats right in the front 
row. 

Obadiah. No, sir-ee! And Mrs. Jinks would 
say so too if she was home! When a man that’s 
just been elected to the Legislature volunteers to 
give a lecture, and when he’s chose as his subject 
“ The Fire at Hoosic,” as an extry compliment to 
Hiram, and when the firemen themselves up and 
make my boy an honorary member—that’s enough 
honors for the Jinks family already! I’m afraid 
Hiram’s head is goin’ to be turned now! Here, 
gimme that whole dozen tickets, and there’s a two 
dollar bill for ’em— (Hands her a hill from his trou¬ 
sers' pocket) and I don’t ask for the change. 

Bedelia. That’s splendid, Mr. Jinks. Oh, 
Mimi, now there won’t be an empty seat in the 
house! 

Mimi. (Eagerly) And you’re certain to be there 
yourself, aren’t you, Mr. Jinks? 

Obadiah. (Pleased to be noticed by one so 
young and pretty) Want me to? 

Mimi. (With her most charming manner) 
Particularly. And I want you to promise me some¬ 
thing besides. Will you? 

Obadiah. Most anything you’d ask me. Seems 


73 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

like Hiram savin' your life like he did almost makes 
you a member of the family. Mrs. Jinks says all 
she wishes is that we had two Hirams instead of 
one, so’s the second one could marry you and keep 
you in Wurtsboro for good! 

Mimi. Oh, that’s dear of Mrs. Jinks 1 I haven’t 
any mother of my own, and I could love her lots. 

Obadiah. {With sentiment) How about the 
old man? (Flaps his coat-tails, and teeters on his 
toes) 

Mimi. (Shakes her finger at him) Don’t you 
flirt with me! 

Obadiah. What was it you wanted me to prom¬ 
ise you? 

Mimi. I want you to give me your word of honor 
that you’ll stay to the very end of Mr. Rogers’ lec¬ 
ture whether you like it or not. 

Obadiah. Why, of course I’ll promise that. 
There won’t anybody be so bad mannered as to 
leave before it’s over, I hope. When I came by the 
store half an hour ago, there was Mr. Rogers him¬ 
self a helpin’ some strange man in his shirt-sleeves 
fix up a sheet to throw the Stereopticon pictures on. 

Mimi and Bedelia. (Exchanging scared glances) 
Stereopticon ? 

Obadiah. It ain’t got out yet, and I think he 
was calculatin’ to take everybody by surprise, but 
it’s goin’ to b^ illustrated. 

Mimi. (Timorously) You-—you don’t object 

to the pictures? 

Obadiah. I should say I don’t. I was always 
real fond of the Stereopticon views of the Holy 
Land we held Wednesday nights in the Sunday 
School Room when I was a boy. I can see ’em now, 
with the pyramids and mules and camels a settin’ 
off the scenery. (Clenches his fist and pounds the 
table to emphasise his remark) It’s them pernici¬ 
ous Movin’ Picture shows I’m opposed to, not the 
Stereopticon kind. 


74 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Mimi. But, Mr. Jinks, Fm sure that if you had 
ever allowed yourself to go to a good Moving Pic¬ 
ture play—just once—^you’d have turned into a 
real Movie fan in spite of yourself. 

Obadiah. {Rather sternly) Which shows you 
don't know Obadiah Jinks. And Fm sorry to hear 
a sweet young girl like you a standin' up for 'em. 
They're one of the cryin' evils of the times! 

Mimi. And are you opposed to Moving Picture 
actors too? 

Obadiah. Young lady, you don't catch me allow¬ 
in' one of 'em inside my door! I wouldn’t speak 
to one of ’em. 

Mimi. {Innocently) Wouldn’t you? 

Obadiah. No, sir-ce! 

Mimi. {Roguishly) Fm sorry. Fm sure they 
would enjoy you. 

Bedelia. Have you heard from Hiram since 
he's been out with the Glee Club? 

Obadiah. Had a letter from him last night. 
That crazy Hodge feller deserted 'em and went 
back to Hoosic, but they got along fine without 
him, Hiram says. The Club’s passin' through here 
on their way back to-day, and Hiram and some of 
the rest of 'em's goin' to stop oflF. 

Mimi. {Joyfully) Oh, is he? 

Obadiah. {Looks at her a bit suspiciously) 
He's engaged; but I s’pose you'll always take an 
interest in him on account of his savin' your life. 

Mimi. Always! {Sighs) 

Bedelia. Mercy, we must go, Bedelia! I prom¬ 
ised to be an usher, and I really must put bn some¬ 
thing to ush in. 

Mimi. Then good-bye until after the lecture, Mr. 
Jinks. 

Obadiah. Good-bye! And don't you ever take 
up with no one that’s been in Movin’ Pictures, young 
lady. That's my advice! 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 75 

Miml {Laughs) I’ll think that over. (Mimi 
and Bedelia exit r.) 

(Obadiah pockets the tickets. He goes over to 
bureau and gets out a hair-brush. Brushes his 
hair. Gets out huge hankerchief, flaps it and 
puts it in his pocket. Takes clothes-brush and 
> . brushes clothes, and poising his hat on one 

hand begins to brush it with the other.) 

Jinks. {Enters l. carrying satchel) Hello, 
Dad! 

Obadiah. {Rejoiced) Well, Hiram! 

Jinks. I cut across lots from the Station and 
came in the back way to make time. Where’s 
mother ? 

Obadiah. {Continuing his toilet preparations) 
Over to your Aunt Sairy’s. Sairy ain’t well. 

Jinks. And what are you primping up for. Dad? 
Getting ready to divorce mother and marry a mil¬ 
liner? 

Obadiah. Stop your nonsense! {Puts hat on 
top of bureau and lays the brushes away in drawer) 
Gettin’ ready to go to the Firemen’s Fund lecture. 
I was afraid I’d miss you. Your blasted train 
grunted into town as slow as an old hog rollin’ up 
to the trough. 

Hiram. I didn’t mind the slowness. It gave me 
time to think over all my sins and see which ones 
I liked best. Henceforth I’ve decided to disown 
Annannias as an adopted parent. 

Obadiah. What do you mean by that? 

Jinks. Changing the subject—any news since 
I’ve been away ? 

Obadiah. They’ve elected you honorary member 
of the Wurtsboro Fire Department, just as I s’posed 
they would. 


76 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

Jinks. {Despairingly, under his breath) Oh, 
Lord! 

Obadiah. And of course you know already Mr. 
Rogers was elected? 

Jinks. Yes. Mrs. Rogers sent me a letter an¬ 
nouncing the fact, all blotted with glad tears! The 
Gazette isn’t out yet, is it? 

Obadiah. No. Guess Mr. Rogers is holdin’ this 
issue back to write up the Firemen’s Fund affair. 
It’ll be the first number out since his election, and 
since the Firemen made you an honorary fire¬ 
fighter. Folks are braggin’ on your bravery yet, 
Hiram. 

Jinks. {Clenches his fists and raises them in 
air. Strides up and down the room) Will I never 
get away from that Hoosic fire, I wonder? Will 
the Gazette ever come out and clear up the fog? 

Obadiah. What in the name of common sense 
are you talkin’ about anyhow? 

Jinks. Nothing. 

Obadiah. {With a snort of disapproval) 
Sounds like it wasn’t that much. 

Jinks. Well, I’ve got to improve my time while 
I’ni here! I want to see that Real Estate agent 
again before I leave town. 

Obadiah. ’Tain’t no use. I said my answer was 
“ no,” and “ no ” it stands. 

Jinks. You’ve always wanted money to develop 
your little farm, and if you made it yes ” there’d 
be enough money besides to keep me in college 
without breaking your back. 

Obadiah. {Losing his temper) I ain’t goin’ 
to lease my feed-store to no pizenous Movin’ Pic¬ 
ture Company, back or no back, college or no col¬ 
lege, farm or no farm! Satan’s always willin’ to 
pay a high price for souls, but he shan’t buy mine. 

Jinks. Dad, be sensible! The automobile craze 
has turned your feed-store and boarding-stable into 
a museum for obsolete animals, and it isn’t every day 


77 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 

that a Film Company comes along and offers to 
pay you five times as much as the lease is worth 
for it. They’ll snap up the old skating-rink instead 
if you dilly dally about answering much longer. 

Obadiah. I ain’t dilly dallied. I’ve said “ no ” 
from- the start, only it goes in your one ear and out 
the other. Let ’em lease the skatin’-rink, and let 
’em skate. ’I know we’re hard run, and if the 
Methodist Church or the Royal Arcanum or some¬ 
thin’ like that wanted my feed-store- 

Jinks. {Cutting in) But they don’t, and never 
will. {Disgustedly, taking up his hat) Oh, I’m 
going over to Aunt Sarah’s to talk to mother. It’s 
too bad she doesn’t wear the pants in this family. 
She’d remember there was a hind pocket in ’em 
that needs money, and needs it bad! {Exits an¬ 
grily, door L.) 

(Obadiah whistls mournfully, takes up his hat 
and proceeds slowly toward door r. There is 
a knock at door just as he reaches it. He 
opens it, and Evangeline walks in.) 

Obadiah. Hullo, Evangeline! You’ve just 
missed seein’ Hiram! But I can call him back. 
{Calls, toward l.) Hiram! 

Evangeline. {Nervously) Don’t, please, Mr. 
Jinks! I didn’t expect to see Hiram anyhow. I 
just wanted to leave a package for him with my 
compliments. This. 

Obadiah. {Receives the ribbon-bound package 
from her hands) Oh, you remembered that this was 
his birthday, didn’t you? That was real thoughtful 
of you. I intended to give him a pair of suspenders 
myself, but we got into a little argument about Mov¬ 
in’ Pictures, and it skipped my mind. I’m ashamed 
to say it, but he stands up for ’em! 

Evangeline. That doesn’t surprise me at all, 
Mr. Jinks. By the way, I drove through Hoosic 



78 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


with a friend the other day, and while I was there 
made some very interesting discoveries. 

Ob ADI AH. Did you? Set down and tell me about 
’em. {Rather uneasily) ’Twon’t make much dif¬ 
ference if I aw late a minute or two to Legislator 
Rogers’ lecture. 

Evangeline. Oh, I’ll not detain you! Professor 
Parker and his aunt are waiting for me outside, and 
I promised them I wouldn’t be longer than a minute. 
But there’s a little souvenir of Hoosic in the note 
I’m leaving for Hiram tucked in under the ribbon; 
one of my interesting discoveries. It’s a snap-shot 
made by a former friend of Hiram’s. He gave it 
to me himself. When Hiram sees it, he may guess 
my reason for choosing this particular gift for his 
birthday. 

Ob ADI AH. He’ll be disappointed, won’t he, not 
to see you ? 

Evangeline. Oh, not so much but that he’ll 
recover! {Offers Obadiah her hand) Good-bye, 
Mr. Jinks— {She becomes very serious for a mo¬ 
ment, and her voice is tremulous) and please tell 
Hiram that everything’s all right, and that I really 
do wish him many, happy returns of the day! 
{Turns and exits r., precipitately) 

(Obadiah looks at the package she has left, and lays 
it down again on table. He goes to bureau 
and from a drawer lifts out a very loud new 
necktie. Brings it to table and lays it down. 
Just as he puts on hat and starts for door 
R., Hiram bursts in.) 

Jinks. {Just inside door r.) Dad, was that 
Evangeline that sped down street in an automobile 
just now ? 

Obadiah. The room ain’t cold yet from her 
bein’ here. And she says she wishes you many 
happy returns of the day. What she came for was 


' THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 79 

to leave you a birthday present. There it is on the 
table. 

Jinks. {Picks up necktie) What? This? 

Obadiah. {Modestly) No, that one’s my selec¬ 
tion. 

Jinks. ^ Thanks awfully, Dad. It reminds me of 
the Hoosic fire. 

Obadiah. {With pride) I s’pose mebbe I was 
thinkin’ ’bout that when I picked it out. {Picks 
up package) This is the one from Evangeline, with 
a note she writ you. Nice girl, Evangeline! Ain’t 
got the takin’ way with her that some that visits 
Wurtsboro sometimes has, but nice—dignified and 
nice! 

Jinks. {With feeling) Yes, and this package 
is just as dainty and blue-ribboned as she is. All 
the same, I wish she hadn’t left it for me. 

Obadiah. How do you know you do when you 
ain’t never looked at it? 

Jinks. Dad, it seems wrong, somehow, for a 
fellow to carry one girl’s picture in his watch, when 
he carries the face of another one in his heart! 

Obadiah. {Horrified) Hiram Poynter Jinks, 
you ain’t thinkin’ of goin’ back on Evangeline Slater 
you’ve been pledged to ever since you was a young- 
one? 

Jinks. A youngone—that’s just it! It was only 
calf love—with both of us, I believe—not the real 
thing. I’ve felt it; almost known it, for a year. 
And now since I’ve met the real girl, the only one 
I can ever care for as a fellow should care— {Rises 
and walks away) I haven’t the heart to look at that 
present—that’s all! 

Obadiah. Hiram Poynter Jinks, mebbe you was 
too young when you started courtin’ Evangeline— 
your mother always said so—but if I thought a son 
of mine would ever go back on his promise to a girl 
whose father is a leadin’ light in the Presbyterian 
Church, and who’s lookin’ forward to gettin’ married 


8 o 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


when you graduate, Fd cover my brow with sack¬ 
cloth and ashes and start a wailin'. 

Jinks. Yes, I thought you’d feel that way about 
it. It isn’t a question of whether I’m going to be 
happy or not, but whether I’m man enough to stand 
by a bargain once made. 

Obadiah. {Pleased; with emphasis) That 
sounds like Hiram Jinks! 

Jinks. It’s better to be unhappy than a cad, 
I know that, and I’m prepared to stick. But I’ve 
got to get myself in a different mood before I can 
touch that present. 

Obadiah. Well, your mother’ll cook hot biscuit 
for supper, Hiram, and that ought to. cheer you up. 
I’ve got to go, if I’m goin’. This ain’t no way to 
treat Legislator Rogers at all! I’m goin’ across 
lots, fast as I kin scoot! {Exit hastily l.) 

(Jinks goes to table. Picks up the neck-tie. Hangs 
it over laurel zvreath surmounting his picture. 
Comes dozvn. Picks up package left by 
Evangeline. Shakes his head mournfully. 
Takes note from under ribbon and tears open 
envelope.) 

Jinks. {With a heavy sigh) I might as well 
have it over with, I suppose. {Knocks at door r. 
Jinks hastily slips note in his pocket) Come in! 

Bedelia. {Enters r. Mysteriously, pausing 
just inside the door) The outside door was open so 
I did not ring. Are you hom^, Hiram? 

Hiram. I’m under that impression. Come in, 
Bedelia. 

Bedelia. {Continues to speak in mysterious 

hushed voice) And are you all alone ? 

Hiram. Yes. Want to murder me? That’s a 
killing gozvn you have on. 

Bedelia. {In special costume with cap and 
badge) I’ve been ushing. But everybody’s in now 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 8i 

but two or three, and Mimi simply wouldn’t come 
without me, and she just had to see you. 

Jinks. {Electrified) Mimi? Mimi, did you 
say ? Impossible! She’s not in town. Good 
heavens, why don’t you invite her in? 

Bedelia. {Calls off r.) Mimi, good heavens 
why don’t you invite yourself in? {Enter Mimi, 
somezvhat abashed, r.) 

Jinks. Why, how do. Miss Mayflower? Glad 
to see you. Sit down. Cold, isn’t it, for such warm 
weather? Sit down. Rocking chair, armchair, any 
kind. If you don’t like any of these we have more 
up stairs. 

Mimi. {Seats herself on sofa r.) This will do 
nicely, thank you. I hope you .won’t think I’m 
dreadful to beard you in your den like a lion. 

Jinks. If a lion enjoys it as much as I do, he’d 
stay home weekdays and Sundays. 

Bedelia. Mimi, I really must run back now. 
They’ll notice it if I stay away. And anyhow. I’m 
dying to see how Mr. Jinks takes that Stereopticon! 
Bye, bye! {Rushes off r.) 

Jinks. {Takes chair at l., across the room from 
Mimi) Just one prayer I prayed—an unrighteous 
prayer to see you once more—and there you are 
like a miracle! 

Mimi. Oh, no, not like a miracle, but like a very 
scared young woman indeed! I’ve come to make 
a confession 1 And perhaps you’ll be angry and 
sorry you ever met me when you learn what I have 
done. 

Jinks. {In a trance of happiness) I’m not hear¬ 
ing a word you say—it’s just music 1 Say on ! Say 
on! 

Mimi. When I realized what a tangle grew out of 
your appearing as Eddie the fireman, I wanted 
somehow to atone for it. 

Jinks. Atone? {Points to his picture on wall) 
Look at that laurel wreath resting on my undeserving 


82 


THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


brow! The wreath, not the danger-signal! {Re¬ 
moves the neiv necktie) Hodge had me in a cor¬ 
ner gasping for breath, and in another moment Ed 
have gone over the ropes if it hadn’t been for you. 

Mimi. But that was only a temporary triumph. 
Consequently, to clear up the whole matter of 
Hodge’s false account of the fire, Mr. Rogers agreed 
with me that those Moving Pictures made at Hoosic 
should be shown in Wurtsboro; so I sent for them 
and an operator, and they’re being seen at your 
father’s feed store at this very moment! 

Jinks. {Gleefully) What? Dad, looking at a 
Moving Picture in spite of himself, and seeing his 
own son shinning up and down a ladder besides ? It’s 
too good to be true! 

Mimi. Yes, but what if it makes extra trouble 
for you instead of helping? That’s what I ask my¬ 
self in fear and trembling. How will your father 
and Wurtsboro take it all? Of course I hope they’ll 
laugh so hard at Eddie the fireman they’ll forgive 
you anything, and Bedelia says they will, but if they 
shouldn’t ? 

Jinks. However they take it, little girl, your 
sending for those films makes me the gladdest, sad¬ 
dest fellow in the world! The gladdest, because I 
can’t help thinking you care a little about me in spite 
of Nash to have done it; the saddest because it makes 
me realize more than ever that I love you. Yes, 
Mimi. {Picks up Evangeline’s box and sets it 
down) in spite of blue ribbons and everything, I love 
you; but of course it would not be honorable in me to 
tell you so, and I must keep it to myself. 

Mimi. Qh, Mr. Jinks, I’ve got to tell you some¬ 
thing too,—since it’s the last time we shall ever 
meet. I’ve broken with Nash- 

Jinks. What? You—you care for some one else? 

Mimi. Oh, it isn’t just mere caring, just mere 
friendliness, it’s a love that goes clear to the deeps 
of my heart, and makes me feel delicious and des- 



, THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 83 

perate and—and maple sugary whenever I think 
of—him ! {Embraces herself rapturously) 

Jinks. Lucky “ him ! ” Of course—I haven’t 
any right to ask his name. It’s no business of mine 
when I’m bound to another, anyhow. I shan’t ask 
you who he is, Mimi. Who is he? 

Mimi. No one I shall ever marry. Oh, don’t let 
it make you sad,—my fate! While I’m young. I’ll 
lose myself in work. I’ve been offered a wonderful 
contract if I choose to take it. And when I’m an 
old, old lady. I’ll dress in black lace, and always 
remember to wave my white hair so I won’t be 
hard to look at, and I’ll be kind and gentle, and 
maybe little children will run to my arms when I 
call them. I hope so. 

Jinks. {Lugubriously) And Mimi, even when 
I’ve been married to Evangeline years and years— 
{Picks up the box tied with ribbons) By Jingo, how 
funny this feels! Excuse me! {Rips off ribbons 
and paper hastily, and a bunch of old letters falls 
out) My letters! She’s sent them back! Wait 
a minute— {Fumbles in pocket, tremendously ex¬ 
cited) wait—a—minute—where’s her note ? What’s 
this? {Pulls out snap-shot) Why, a snap-shot 
inside of it! Look at it! Aren’t those my arms? 
They are! I know them by the cuffs ! Look! 

(Mimi looks, with him, at snap-shot, almost as ex¬ 
cited as he is.) 

Mimi. Why, and I’m the girl! That was our 
embrace in the hospital-scene! Who snapped it? 

Jinks. Hodge! He always wabbles his camera! 
Let’s see what she says. {Reads note, his hands 
tremble so that the paper fairly rattles) She’s 
thrown me over to marry Professor Parker! {Drops 
note. Sadly) Oh, Mimi! 


84 THE RETURN OF HI JINKS. 


Mimi, {Agitatedly) You’re sorry? You do 
care for her after all, more than anybody else? 

Jinks. No, no, that isn’t it! Mimi, why 
couldn’t I have been that other maple-sugar fellow 
you really love? 

Mimi. Oh, you ridiculous boy, by the ridiculous 
name of Jinks—why, he is you, has been you all 
along! 

Jinks. Mimi! {Takes lieY in his arms) 


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